The weekly weigh in, week 42

Tonight, a good friend drove me to Weight Watchers because afterwards, she and I were going to go shopping for invitations to a wedding tea for her daughter, who is like a second daughter to me. Over the last several months, my friend who is naturally lean has lost 35 pounds due to a tremendous amount of stress. Her jeans were floating around her legs and behind. Mine were too. While I went and weighed in, she went to Baskin-Robbins and was enjoying a huge butter pecan ice cream cone when I got back to the car. It didn't bother me at all. That felt good.

When I weighed in, I have to admit that I was bothered, even though I lost. I'm getting a little too fixated on numbers, and I fear I'm hitting another plateau. The weight I'm at now was what I weighed for years. This is a size and a weight range where my body feels pretty comfortable. It knows this size, even though it's been sixteen years since I weighed this. It may be one of my set points, and I've been dancing under and over the same weight by a little more than a pound for about four weeks now.

To break a set point, one has to increase their metabolic rate. Well, my daily recommended points allowance hasn't changed, and I will not be intentionally decreasing my food. One of my dieting rules now is that I will not go hungry. I'm not talking the kind of hunger you get when it's been a bit too long between meals. I'm talking the kind of hunger that can provoke frustration, anger and enough resentment to toss a diet to the winds. This is a quality of life issue, and the point of me losing weight is to have a better life, so why would I sacrifice quality to achieve it? Excess food restriction can also trigger the body's famine response, encouraging it to hold onto fat stores and actually lowering the metabolic rate. Why would I want to do something counterproductive?

So I have basically two things I need to do to kickstart my metabolism. The first is more exercise. It's still not enjoyable yet, but I am doing it. I just need to do more. I've given myself a target goal of ten exercise points a week. To translate that from Weight Watchers speak, that's roughly three half hour workouts a week at an intensity level of increased heart rate, regular sweating and breathing at a level where I can talk but probably wouldn't want to and definitely couldn't sing. I've only met that goal once in several weeks, and I'm going to make a more diligent effort to meet it. To maintain a challenge level that feels both difficult and achievable enough, I may need to break the workouts down to 15 minute increments.

The second thing I need to do is watch the details of my food intake better. Keep a closer eye on the sodium. Make greater efforts to limit caffeine and soft drinks. Make sure that I get my daily servings of oil. In the TMI realm of dieting, I thought that the increased fiber would have a stabilizing effect on my digestion. Well, it did for a long time, actually slowing the process down to a much more comfortable level. An irony about fiber intake is that while it can make the digestion and elimination process smoother and more regular, a big increase can have the opposite effect. My recent efforts to up my fiber content may have backfired on me, and making sure that I get the healthy oils I need can counteract that.

The bottom line this week though is that I lost weight. The lessons learned this week is that details do matter in learning how to treat my body like the temple it is.

Weekly summary: Weight loss -- 1.4 pounds, Total weight loss -- 70.6 pounds, Average weekly weight loss -- 1.64 pounds.

health and wellness, weight loss, diets, Weight Watchers

Rest in Peace

Hearing of Liz Claiborne's death made me genuinely sad this morning. In the eighties, when I was working in a department store that has since been taken over by Macy's, her designs were darn near omnipresent. Simply everyone carried her purses. I never cared for them. They felt like plastic, and the logo was simply everywhere. Her clothing though, oh I loved it, but I couldn't fit into it. Then came the Elisabeth plus-size line. Claiborne was the first fashion designer who got that large women enjoy clothing, fashion, looking good and having style, just like our skinnier sisters. Respecting the numbers fixation I share with so many other women, I have to admit I love that her clothing is generously sized, and most women I know, including myself, can usually wear a size smaller in Liz than we can in other clothing lines.

Not only did Claiborne empower larger women to look beautiful, she put her time, energy and money into foundations for empowering women to economic independence and self-sufficiency as well as environmental conservation.

A moment of silence for the passing of a notable lady.

This entry also posted at Sorting The Pieces.

Liz Claiborne

Bingeing

This has been a bad food day. I don't know any other way to describe it. I've just binged. It started last night with chips and low fat frozen yogurt. One measured serving of baked potato chips turned into three, and a half cup of frozen yogurt turned into two cups. Today it continued with two 100 calorie packs of Hostess chocolate cupcakes, more yogurt and more chips. I feel gross, stuffed and slightly nauseous. My mouth tastes like salt, and I can almost see my hands and ankles swelling.

Keeping things in perspective, I've dutifully recorded everything I ate and tracked the points value of my food. I've dipped 6 points into my weekly bonus points, so it's not like I went wild. I'm still well within my guidelines for food. I got in all my fruits and veggies over the last two days, and I only need one more bottle of water to exceed my daily water recommendation. I'm just not used to eating that amount of junk food anymore, and I don't like its effects on my body.

What made this a binge was that I felt out of control. I may have measured each serving, but I kept going back for more servings, even when I quit being hungry. I was eating to distract myself and eating to minimize my feelings because they are what really felt out of control. Now, that I've reined in the binge monster, I'm still feeling all of that anxiety, fear and fatigue I didn't want to feel, but it has an additional layer of guilt on top, like the hot fudge sauce on a neurosis sundae.

For me, bingeing is a cowardly form of escape, and I don't want to be a coward. I do however get very tired of steeling myself all the time. Oh, there are times I wish I just didn't feel so much. As much as I love the depth and strength of my emotions, they can wear me out as much as they strengthen me. This is who I am though, and I neither could nor would change. I hear a distant voice in my mind now saying, "You are uniquely and wonderfully made." I could feel that small inner smile and just a little bit of peace spreading through my chest with the words. It's a small comfort, but it's still not easy being me sometimes.

compulsive eating

Now this makes my blood pressure go up

Ever since I found Shapely Prose, I haven't been able to get enough. That's a link to an article on the treatment of fat people by the medical industry. I want to add a resounding Amen!

I absolutely hate going to a doctor. I'll never forget the one who responded to my request for birth control pills with "You don't need them" because (1) they would aggravate my high blood pressure and (2) wishful thinking didn't get a woman pregnant. His nurse had already checked my blood pressure, but he hadn't checked my chart. I was in my early twenties and my blood pressure was excellent. His medical opinion was that there was no way I could ever get laid looking the way I did. My soon to be husband had a really good laugh at that one. I didn't.

Before that, when I was a teenager, my family doctor told me that the only thing that kept me from being completely hopeless with my body was having an oval shaped face. I always wondered what that had to do with the ear infection that was the reason for my appointment.

Then there was the therapist who came highly recommended. I had heard her speak at a seminar on women's health and well-being and was really struck with her common sense. At our first visit, she refused to treat me unless I started regularly attending Overeaters Anonymous. Despite the fact that I had sought her out for her skill in helping people become more assertive, the only thing she wanted to talk about was my weight. Dumping her as my therapist was the first assertive thing I learned in her office.

My insurance now is a program designed for the poor and the uninsurable. I went years without insurance and hope that I never have to do that again. This is one of the reasons why I'm so determined to reach and stay at a healthier weight for me. My weight is the reason that I've been denied insurance elsewhere. People complain that fat people don't take care of themselves and become a burden on other people. Let me tell you, it's hard, really hard, to take care of yourself when a single doctor's visit can equal a week's worth of groceries for a family. What does a woman do? Feed her child or go to the doctor?

People in the fat acceptance movement probably wouldn't like that I am now committed to following a diet. I know the good it's doing for me, and that's why I'm going to stick with it. However, my life is still affected daily by being fat. I'll never forget some of the mistreatment I've received simply because of my size. Owning my anger over this and realizing that it hasn't been all my fault would probably upset people in the weight loss industry. Fitness Nazis do more harm than good, and I don 't care what they think. Humiliating someone is not a good method of motivation to lose weight and exercise more, unless that person is in even more need of therapy than I. As usual, I find myself somewhere in the middle, walking a tightrope. I have to accept myself as a fat woman and be healthy to live the life I want. For now, that means learning a new way to eat and live in this body, as it is and as it is becoming. I like that, and that should really be all that matters.

medicine, fat acceptance

The weekly weigh in, week 41

I headed to my meeting tonight feeling fat and bloated. I could feel the extra pressure in my tummy. I could see the swelling in my ankles, and for the life of me, I didn't and still don't really know why. I was slightly under, only by one or two points, my daily allowance on every day but two. On those days, I used weekly bonus points but still had around ten more that were available for me to use. I've been diligent about my medication this week. For once I didn't miss a diuretic, blood pressure pill or anti-depressant a single time. The morning and evening schedule for my meds was slightly off, but that's never been a serious issue before.

I also more than doubled my exercise this week. I've always been extremely heat sensitive. Southern summers are rough on me. Heat aggravates a chronic illness I have, and this is the first year in I don't know how many, I've been able to spend more than an hour or so outside without experiencing a painful flare up. I give some of the credit for that to my weight loss, because one of the few things known about hidradenitis suppurativa is that excess weight aggravates it. This week, I've done serious yard work with a vengeance. I don't mean watering. I mean trimming hedges, pruning branches, lots of weed eating, the lifting, bending, exerting force, hauling kind of work. The piles of trimmings at my curb were too much for the regular garbage truck and had to be removed by claw truck. I did hours of work, consistently in an aerobic cardiac workout zone, gauging my heart rate as a measure of my activity level. I haven't been physically able to do this kind of work in a long time, and it feels good to reclaim serious activity again.

So, I kept up the food discipline, the medication discipline, and increased my exercise. You'd think I'd lose weight, but noooooooo. I gained 2.8 pounds. Argh. I asked my instructor to review my food journal for the week, and she didn't see anything that needed an obvious correction. I had a variety of fruits and veggies, mostly fresh and raw. There weren't a whole lot of salty foods. Her only thought was that increasing exercise can sometimes trigger the famine response in a body. Just like not eating at your usual levels can make your body try to hold onto its fats reserves in case there's a hunger spell pending when your body will need that stored energy, a lot of exercise can do the same thing. There's also the possibility that I've been building muscle (which weighs more than fat), and this is the week it showed up. Well, I know it's true in my arms. They're definitely trimming up. I've even gone sleeveless, which I haven't done ever in my life. Some people would say that I shouldn't now, but I'm getting past that people pleasing thing.

I have long been the queen of the three quarter sleeve. I have small wrists and long, thin fingers. Keeping the upper arms covered has brought the attention to where I've been acceptably small. I've never been able to say that I was just big boned. I'm not. I'm tall and generously built with broad shoulders and widely spaced hip bones. I'll never be delicate, but I have small, long bones. I'm enjoying seeing those bones again. My wrist is 6 1/4 inches now, down from eight inches. My ring finger size has dropped from a 10 (oh, how I hated having fat fingers) to a seven. The only rings I wear now used to be pinkie rings. My collar bones and cheek bones are prominent again. Necklaces that used to hit at the base of my neck are on my chest now. I can see and feel the indentation between my rib cage when I lie down. I can feel my hip bones again. These are all little things, but they are some of the things that keep me going. On a week that's this frustrating, they really help.

Weekly summary: Weekly change -- gained 2.8 pounds, Total weight loss -- 69.6 pounds, Average weekly weight loss -- 1.7 pounds.

health and wellness, weight loss, diets, Weight Watchers

I'm in trouble now

At least according to The Onion.

The last paragraph of the article states:

But Evans warned that losing too much weight too fast could have serious repercussions.

"What you want to avoid is a situation where someone comes down from 320 pounds to 240 in the span of a single year, and suddenly does not have the suicidal urges they once did," said Evans, who explained that the "sweet spot" of self-hatred and physical suicidal ability is extremely small. "If they mistake their all-but-meaningless improvement for a legitimate reason to live, their fat, revolting lives may be prolonged indefinitely."

Here's to the indefinite prolongment of my miserable existence.

suicide, satire

Set to go and going off

It always takes a little while for my insurance to provide the pre-authorization to continue coverage of Weight Watchers, so I started calling every day about ten days ago. This afternoon, I heard from the coordinator, and I'm ready to start meetings again tomorrow night.

I have several rants about insurance, but I'll save those for another day. Despite the difficulty of losing and keeping weight off, maintaining a stable weight within a healthy range (which is usually larger than medical or insurance professionals recognize) is one of the most important things a person can do for their physical well-being, yet proactive programs that actually help a person lose weight are rarely covered. That's why I'm so thrilled about having my insurance cover this program, and let me repeat for the umpteenth time, it's working. I'm quantifiably healthier now than when I started. I'm talking the hard numbers like cholesterol and blood pressure, not just weight.

On a previous insurance program, it was easier to get coverage for bariatric surgery than it was to see a nutritionist. In fact, you could only see a nutritionist if you had been diagnosed with anorexia, bulimia or diabetes. If obesity was threatening your health, forget about help. You could also forget about getting any kind of counseling for weight related issues unless you were too skinny for your own good. Our society talks a lot about the importance of a healthy weight and the dangers of obesity, but they do damn little about it, other than criticizing people for being fat. Oh, I forgot. There are nifty food pyramid graphics. That's really supportive.

While losing weight is ultimately up to an individual, a support system helps. Though I'd been losing weight gradually for some time before I started Weight Watchers, the pace was barely noticeable. This program has made a huge difference.

The encouraging words I've gotten have done more for me than I can tell you. There's this funny thing about support though. A lot of people provide help and reinforcement with one hand and undermine you with the other. It's taken this diet for me to see this play out in multiple arenas. There are the obvious underminers -- cough, my husband, cough -- the ones that compliment you profusely on your weight loss and then surround you with temptation. Here, have a few chips. There's some cake over there. A little piece won't hurt you. I swear, one night at a party, a woman actually pinched my nose shut so I would open my mouth and receive a loaded nacho chip. I am not kidding.

Then there is an undermining group that I tend to fall into myself. They remind you how hard it is all the time, how so few people keep off the weight that they lose. Well, these things are true. Losing weight isn't easy. A sustained weight loss of over a year is unusual, of over five years downright rare. Staying sober or drug free isn't easy for an addict either, but it can be done. I'm personally convinced that even though I have worked hard, grace is the biggest factor in the success I've had so far. (This diet definitely has taught me serious lessons about obedience, forgiveness, discipleship as well as discipline, and healing.) Being too stuck in the facts and odds about losing weight eliminates both individuality and blessing.

The underminers that irritate me the most are the ones who only let me know badly I messed up by body and how much farther I have to go. Believe me people, I know how much more weight to lose. I'm proud of what I weigh now. I also remember the last time I was this size -- the week I came home from the hospital after delivering my daughter. I wasn't so happy about this number then. With stitches running my bisected belly and milk swollen breasts making me look like a caricature of a woman, I felt hideous. Those severed abdominal muscles haven't really recovered, and I can still see the rolls, folds and sags, but I know how much worse it was. I'm choosing to love my imperfect body as I'm choosing to love my imperfect self. To the "you're only good when you get to goal" underminers, simply put, screw you.

I've been really surprised at how many people have something invested in someone else being fat. There are some people who need others to have serious problems. It's the only way they can feel superior, and that feeling is what some people want more than anything. If they can't be better than someone else, they might as well not exist. If they didn't irritate me so, I'd almost feel sorry for them.

I've been lucky in my blogs. I've never received some of the assaults in comments that others have. In fact, the kindness and support I've received here is a good part of what keeps me blogging. So my friends, thank you. I'm ready to keep going.

insurance, diets,diet sabotage

In case you're wondering...

why women are insecure about their size.

I found this at Shakesville, definitely a blog to get you thinking. This is an advertisement that's selling low fat yogurt on the premise that men won't find this woman attractive. The slogan is: Forget about it. Men's preferences will never change.

I mean, really, what man could desire a woman like that. How dare she think or act like she's beautiful?

Taking the sarcasm font off, what woman wouldn't want to look like that? What kind of man could look at her and see anything other than gorgeous and sexy as all get out? I mean, damn!

Chasing the links back to AdsoftheWorld.com, I also found manipulated images of Sharon Stone and Marilyn Monroe. The pictures just reaffirm what it took me a long time to find out. Sexy has less to do with looks than it does thoughts, nature and attitude. The sexiest people I've ever known weren't necessarily the most classically beautiful. Sexy is an entirely different animal than culturally esthetic, and if I know anything, it really doesn't hinge on weight at all.


Somebody screwed up an ad campaign.

This entry also posted at Sorting The Pieces.

body image

The weekly weigh in, week 40

I didn't want to go to meeting tonight, but I made myself. Even when I was parking the car, I was thinking I'll just weigh in and leave. I stepped on the scales and decided to stay. My Thursday night group is full of cutups who can laugh about their weight and their eating. For someone like me who is just too damn serious for her own good, this is great.

It also helps that we have a great instructor. Our regular leader lost 110 pounds and has kept it off for five years. She couldn't make it tonight, but her substitute had lost 70 pounds and kept it off for three years. If she hadn't been the fat girl in high school she would have been a cheerleader because of her enthusiasm. If that's not inspiring enough, both our regular and substitute instructors bring in food every week, complete with recipes and points per serving. I'm not talking a bowl of popcorn. I'm talking sushi, crock pots of chili, big bowls of fruit salads or desserts. With people laughing and eating, the meeting almost feels like a party. I needed that tonight. It didn't hurt either that I lost 1.6 pounds this week, bringing my weight loss to an even 72 pounds.

My insurance approves coverage of Weight Watchers in twelve week periods, and tonight was my last covered night. Once again, I have to call around and get a pre-authorization to continue. I'm hoping it will go easier this time than last. I've lost 18 pounds in the last 12 weeks and haven't missed a meeting, but history has taught me to expect snafus. Keep your fingers crossed.

Weekly summary: Weekly loss --1.6 pounds, Total loss -- 72 pounds, Average weekly loss -- 1.8 pounds.


health and wellness, diets, weight loss, Weight Watchers

Fat acceptance

Since this blog is about my diet, fat acceptance may seem a strange subject, but it's a serious issue in my journey towards health. For me fat acceptance and self acceptance are nearly the same thing. I am the fat girl. I always have been. Several months ago when I saw Tyra Banks on the cover of People magazine with a headline along the lines of "You Call This Fat?", I realized that even if I do reach what's considered my ideal weight, some people are still going to look at me and call me fat. (Ms. Banks is two inches taller than I am and the weight listed in that article was within my range of healthy weight goals.)

I doubt if there's a single fat person in America who hasn't been confronted with some sort of prejudice. Despite being the fattest nation on the planet, bias against fat people is an acceptable hatred in our thin obsessed culture. Size bias has affects not just one's wardrobe choices, social life and minor details like comfortable seating, but career and income opportunities. Like any other form of prejudice, it's just flat wrong.

So, if I'm pro fat people, why am I trying so damn hard not to be one anymore? Years ago, I realized my odds of ever being anything other than fat were practically non-existent, and my choice was either to live with myself as I was, be the best I could be or be miserable all the time, hating myself and condemning myself to feeling like a failure with repeated diets, a body and a life I couldn't enjoy. Well, when looking at my second choice, I basically said screw that and forgot dieting for well over a decade. Some of these were the years that I learned the most about self acceptance and self growth that I've ever known. Unfortunately, these were also the years when multiple factors, like injuries and physician prescribed steroids and taking care of everything else at the expense of myself , contributed to the weight gain that tipped me from obese to seriously obese.

A person learns to live with injuries. You eventually take the residual affects for granted. It wasn't until other aspects of my health, the ones I'd always taken for granted, started declining that I decided to diet. I could handle limping, even having to use a cane sometimes. I could handle the lower back not cooperating when it was time to get out of bed until I did some exercises. I couldn't handle passing out from high blood pressure. This diet is, has been and will always be about getting healthy. Becoming more socially acceptable, while fun, is the gravy. If my focus shifts to looking a certain way or reaching a certain size, feel free to slap some sense back into me.

A person also gets used to living with funny looks, behind the back remarks, rude treatment, overt discrimination and outright harassment. You learn to accommodate to them just as you do to an injured knee. I could handle the assholes of this world because I knew I had value as a person. Some part of me would not give up on that even in my worst depressions. However, a person shouldn't have to get used to that. People have to fight prejudice in all the forms it takes, and I will fight this form whatever I weigh. You have to be honest about the forms that prejudice takes. You have to call it what it is, even when other people call it love and concern.

I don't want to be the fat girl anymore because I don't want to let just one part of who I am define my entire existence. I'll never be the skinny girl, and I don't want to be. It would be just the same old thing, letting only one aspect of my totality label all of me. I gave fat the power to put in me in a mold. I could just as easily be that spiritual girl, that smart girl, that shy girl, that funny girl, that beautiful girl, that sweet girl, that sad girl, that smiling girl. I am all of these and more, a multi-faceted, fully dimensioned woman -- whatever I weigh.

This blog post at Shakesville got me thinking.

fat acceptance, prejudice

In the eye of the beholder

Leonard Nimoy's Full Body Project

I would love to post some of these photographs but respect for copyright means that I won't. I encourage everone to look at these. I can see myself in so many of these women, and I'm so impressed by their courage. The full figured nude has had its place in traditional art, but she's lost her place in the contemporary world of visual arts. I'm impressed Nimoy (yes, that Leonard Nimoy, 'live long and prosper' Spock) explored this as, well as by the quality of the photographs.

There is part of me that looks at these photographs and immediately rejects them with a no, this is not beautiful! The overly well behaved, toady of a good girl in me wants art to be beautiful, to be pretty, to be well balanced and proportioned. I'm not necessarily proud of that, because there's another equally strong part of me that loves art that shocks and challenges. I have the same challenge with people, including myself. Personally, I want to reject these photographs because I know I want to reject this part of myself. It doesn't take a lot of psychological insight to figure that out. However, taking my time looking at these, I see beauty, whimsy, courage, audacity. It takes time to accept these images and the feelings they provoke.

Tell me, what do they make you feel? I know that I felt disgust, fear, pride, envy, sadness, celebration, shame and more. Then I remembered my dream of posing in an art class, and that wonderful, peaceful body acceptance I had in that dream. It's not reality yet, but maybe it's in process.

Oh, my favorite in this group I call the three muses.

photography, Leonard Nimoy, body image, self acceptance

Autobiography of a fat girl: Moving

It's no secret being the fat kid isn't fun. All the teasing, always being picked last piles up and can you make hesitant about getting involved with people. You wonder when the next insult will be thrown. You start to jokingly put yourself down, getting in the first blow before anyone else can do it. You inoculate yourself from the insult you know will come and show that you have a sense of humor. (Think of that fantastic bar scene in Roxanne when Steve Martin's character has to come up with 20 insults about his Cyrano nose.) Recess and P.E. are nightmares.

I can't even begin to describe how I hated recess when I was young. My refuge was getting lucky enough to take one end of a jump rope and letting everybody else jump. See, I may be fat, slow and clumsy, but I'm nice! Tag, dodge ball, races all let me know what a loser I was. The only childhood game that gave me any sense of pleasure at all was Red Rover. Red rover, red rover, send Cindy on over. You see, I was strong. I could hold hands with the people next to me, brace these arms, and no one could come crashing through. I could barrel across the field and let mass and momentum work for me. I could break the line.

However, these weren't necessarily good things when you were a girl in the sixties. There were no organized sports for girls back then, no T-ball, no softball, certainly no soccer or field hockey, at least not in the south. This was long before anyone had ever thought of Title IX. The rough housing, rolling around in the grass, tree climbing, and even playing on the swing set girls might have enjoyed at home had no place at school. Modesty and a dress or skirt only dress code took romping away from the girls. Strength, high energy, freedom of movement and team play were only for the boys. My natural inclinations towards activity and movement were deemed as wrong as what felt like my natural size. They weren't feminine, but I was a very feminine, even prissy little girl, and the activities that felt right to me soon fell by the wayside, even at home where free play could be done without reprimand.

By the time, I was a preteen, gymnastics, tennis and golf had become not only acceptable but cool for girls. Those were the days, after all, of Billie Jean King, Chris Evert and Olga Korbut. It was amazing to see muscles on feminine women, not to mention cute clothes that could be worn for sports. Now the gymnasts felt and looked like a different species to me. I still remember the gut wrenching fear I had in gym class when we had to learn a forward roll and my absolute shock that I could do it without making a complete ass out of myself. Pretty little leotards and delicate, controlled movements were way beyond my abilities. Apparently so was hitting a ball. Though I didn't know it until I was in my thirties, I had an eye teaming problem that meant practically no depth perception and minimal eye hand coordination. Is it any real wonder I came to hate exercise? I was unsuited for what was approved for girls and my natural abilities were just deemed wrong.

By the time I was in college, attitudes about athleticism, activity and women had changed. These were the days of Let's Get Physical. Say what you will about the benefits of aerobic exercise, back in the late seventies and early eighties, aerobics seemed primarily about looking sexy in colorful tight, leg warmers and headbands. Working up a good sweat was desirable; huffing, puffing, groaning and turning red in the face while doing so wasn't. If you weren't already good at aerobics, you really didn't belong.

The other great activity then was running. Well, running and large breasts are not natural companions. Even with a great sports bra, it can still be outright painful, and you always wonder how all that bouncing will add to the inevitable force of gravity. Then there's the attention. My breasts developed early, and I'd always been self conscious about them. I was used to often not being looked in the eye. With a drink or two under my belt, I'd even been known to raise a finger to the jaw of a man talking to me and lift his face until he looked me in the eye. If I ran, it meant jerks yelling comments. No thank you. I had no desire to be further humiliated.

By the time I was in my late twenties, I thought I'd found an activity I could do and actually enjoy -- weight lifting on Nautilus equipment. It worked well with my natural inclination to strength and self pacing. Best of all, all the cutesy leotard girls were in the aerobic classes upstairs. In the weight room, it was usually me and the serious muscle guys, and they pretty much left me alone. It was great. They were into their own routines and their own bodies. I was just a momentary wait for the next machine to become available, and I always cleaned off my own sweat. It wasn't until I became a regular fixture, and they could see that I was serious about working out at a level that was appropriate for me that they gave me any attention. I think they also wanted to know that I wasn't there to flirt or use them as eye candy. When the guys knew my intent, they became supportive. I'd get encouragement, advice on how to keep form, nagging on breathing correctly. The day I bench pressed 180 pounds, I got a round of applause.

I'd never had that kind of support from women with whom I'd worked out. What I'd gotten from the girls were catty comments they didn't think I could hear.

There's one thing weight lifting doesn't accompany well, and that's pregnancy. Motherhood changed movement in my life. A baby and a full time job were hard enough to manage. I'd already given up graduate school. Exercise went as well. It's only been in sporadic efforts that exercise has played a part in my life during the last sixteen years. Back, ankle and knee injuries pretty much eliminated it entirely.

Now, I'm working with hand weights. My five pound barbells exercises are hard enough for me to think back in amazement at the days when I was doing butterfly crunches with 80 pound weights. I don't think I could bench press 50 pounds now. I'm no longer strong, but I find that I'm enjoying the burn again. I'm walking. 10 minutes at a shot is about all I can handle, but damn it, I'm doing it. I'm also doing an exercise ball routine meant for core strength, but that's become so irregular, I shouldn't really say that I'm doing it. I used to enjoy tai chi and want to work that back into my life somehow.

What I have found is that exercise makes a huge difference not just with strength, flexibility and metabolic rate but with skin. As I've lost weight, my skin will go through phases of being looser and saggier and then tighter. Knowing that fat plumps out skin and hides wrinkles, I expected to see some pretty dramatic aging, and I have, but exercise ameliorates that.

I can't say that I'm enjoying being physically active again yet. My short walks leave me terribly winded. I know that quitting smoking would help that a lot, but there's part of me that says, "Aren't you doing enough now already? How much change can you handle at one time?" My arms, legs and abdomen ache after my exercise routines. I have aggravated both the bad knee and ankle by not taking the care I should. However, I like the results I'm getting. My energy level is getting higher, and maybe one day, I'll actually feel the endorphins kick in.

To reclaim movement in my life, I've had to accept that I am different. What works for most people probably won't work for me. I've never been able to join the crowd, and I'm going to have to do this alone. When it comes to exercise, alone doesn't feel good for me yet. I still have too many memories of being separated from the other kids and teased. Exercise, loneliness and humiliation are emotionally linked for me. I have to re-frame that. Exercise can be a tool to personal power, confidence and self-control. What was doesn't have to be what is. I have to both accept my limitations and learn to push them. I have to stay connected to my body with deep respect for it. I loved how that was such a dominant aspect of being pregnant. I had no choice but to be grounded in my body, and I learned from it. It was truly a mystical experience for me, and forging that connection again can refresh and deepen my spiritual life. There are positives here, and I need to remind myself of them frequently.

health and wellness, exercise

Autobiography of a fat girl: Becoming and Unbecoming

I remember very clearly the first time fat became part of my identity. I was in kindergarten, and for some reason, they were weighing us all. When it was my turn, our teacher gave a little gasp and said, "Oh, you are a b-i-i-i-i-g girl." I need to redefine that moment. It was the first time that I knew that I was fat and the first time that I knew that fat was different.

Later that same year, my father needed the first of his multiple hernia operations. I was a daddy's girl. The sun rose and set with my father in my eyes. This was nearly literal. As a grocer, he always worked long hours, leaving while his wife and daughters were still sitting at the breakfast table with the hot meal my mother prepared every morning. He would arrive home at night just shortly before my bedtime. My time with him was never enough and always precious. He would come in, take off his coat and tie and sit in "his" chair at one end of the living room. I would get a running start from the opposite end of the room and jump in his lap. One night before his surgery, my parents took me aside and told me that I had gotten too heavy to jump in his lap like that anymore because it was hurting his hernia. This is how my five year old mind processed this. I had hurt my daddy because I was fat. Only bad girls hurt their daddies. I was bad because I was fat. I should be ashamed.

I'm forty-six years old. I've gone through a good bit of therapy by now, but that five year old is still in me. Being just who and what I am, being fat, being outright bad or just not good enough, hurting and disappointing people and shame are still tied together in an incredibly tight Gordian knot. By now, I've also gone on more diets than I can count. As I've mentioned before, I've lost weight on all of them and regained more back every time. I've never lost this much weight before. I've also never felt like I've really made sustainable changes before. That's a big difference this time around. However, I know that the odds are against me, and I have to do more than learn a new way to eat. If I don't slice through this Gordian knot of deeply seated emotions and beliefs, I fear the other changes won't stick.

So this journey to health I'm taking is not just refining my body and my habits, I'm redefining my identity. There are values, judgments and assumptions I've held for and about myself that I need to shed as badly as I need to lose the pounds. I'm still figuring out the damage I've done to myself with these ideas. Despite tremendous efforts not to pass on this warped heritage, I know I've damaged my daughter with them. It doesn't take a genius to see the tragedy, comedy and irony of a woman weighing over 300 pounds fighting for her daughter's life in eating disorder clinics and hospitals.

This mental and emotional process (mental diet if you will) isn't about replacing fat, bad, different and shame with their opposites. Linking thin, good, similar and proud is equally destructive. What I'm trying to do is shed what doesn't have to be or isn't true about me. It's owning and accepting who I really am and not just the labels I've learned.

I am unbecoming. These folds, rolls and sags I've earned through the years do not flatter, but I'm unbecoming the fat girl. That will no longer be who I am, regardless of what I weigh.

fat, identity, self-image

The weekly weigh in, week 39

Thursday is the night I attend my Weight Watchers meeting. It's the last day of my diet week. By the end of meeting, I'm either laughing at how little I get to eat for the rest of the night or figuring out just how I'm going to indulge in any weekly points that I have left over. I can indulge this week, but I'm just not hungry. I really like that feeling. Even after all these months, it still feels novel to me.

I have a friend who skips meals all the time. She may go a couple of days without eating and not realize it until her husband starts getting on her case. She says that she just doesn't get hungry. That always stunned me. I couldn't imagine that, because for decades, I just never felt full. It took a holiday dinner before I recognized physical fullness, and by the time I was mentally cognizant that my body was maxed out, I had seriously overindulged. This is one of the changes that I'm most glad to see. I've been hearing about distinguishing between physical and emotional hunger all of my life. I got the concept by the time I was a teenager. I really understand it now. I've learned if you can't really distinguish physical hunger from emotional hunger, you can't deal with either set of issues.

It hasn't necessarily made this diet easier. I've always used food to hide my more unpleasant emotions. Really working this diet has taken that away from me -- coincidentally at a time when unpleasant emotions have been more the rule than the exception. With frustrations in the marital, parental, familial, career and financial arenas, it would have been all too easy, even natural, for me to have jumped head first into the pantry and let myself get numb. But I didn't. In some ways I'm more proud of that than I am of my weight loss. (And I'm very proud of that.)

The face off at the scales was a good one tonight. I had lost 2.8 pounds, bringing my total weight loss to 70. 4 pounds. I love passing those zero marks. It also puts me in sight of my next goal. I've wanted to see that 75 pound loss for weeks now, and it's realistic that it will happen sometime this month if I keep up the work...and don't hit a plateau.

I'm still iffy on what my ultimate weight goal is or should be. I'll think I'll have set The Goal, and then I have to wonder again. The last time I weighed at the top of my healthy weight range, I was still a teenager. Having that body back (with all the differences that time naturally brings) is still truly unimaginable to me. So, I've given myself short term goals. My first was the WW recommended 10% of total body weight. After that, it was 50 pounds. Then 75 pounds. I'm close. It almost doesn't seem real, but it is. Being this close to a goal really has me pumped and ready to dig in.

Weekly Summary: Weekly loss -- 2.9 pounds. Total loss -- 70. 4 pounds Average weekly loss -- 1.85 pounds.

health and wellness, diets, weight loss, Weight Watchers, emotional eating

The weekly weigh in, week 38

After gaining last week, I knew that I had to be very careful to follow the program this week. As much as I love the results of my diet, as proud as I am of my accomplishments here, I know that I'm in a tenuous place. I've been dieting for eight and a half months. It's getting hard now. The weight is no longer coming off quickly. It's taking more and more varied stuff to keep the buzz. Just like with any addiction, I need a bigger fix. Where it just used to be the pounds coming off, now, I need to see and note changes in inches and sizes. I'm no longer satisfied with my clothes getting big. I want more new cute stuff, but I've done all the shopping I need to do for now. In short, the feedback from the diet is getting a little smaller every week.

The risk is that I'll go for what I'll think is a short term reward with a rich and delicious meal. One big night of farm raised veal parmesan with spaghetti on the side, all the bread sticks with garlic butter I can handle, topped off with tiramisu and a cappuccino...or a really freaking huge and tender ribeye, marinated and grilled to perfection with a loaded baked potato, large salad with blue cheese dressing, lots of red wine and cheesecake...or a breakfast with a fluffy Denver omelet, real sausage and bacon, hash browns, pancakes topped with syrup soaked fruits...or a cocktail party with an array of hors d'oeuvres and currant flavored vodka with tonic sounds like a great way to find a little temporary pleasure. The catch is that eating like that becomes the habit again, and I regain everything I've lost, starting the yo-yo back on an upward path.

The single rich meal is tempting. What it leads to is the high blood pressure that had me passing out, the swollen ankles that flopped over my shoes, the aching knees, the ugly clothes that made me feel old and frumpy when my spirit feels vital and sexy, a fatigue I can't even begin to describe (it's hard physical work carrying all that weight around), sweating in 70 degrees, having idiots yell names at me in parking lots and getting insulted by jerks who think the appearance of a person is all that matters. So as the immediate feedback and short term reward gets harder to come by, I'm having to look for more than just a change in numbers to keep my diet buzz going.

So what have been my rewards this week? I finally got rid of all my old clothes, selling most of them in a yard sale and the nicer dresses I'd intended for a consignment shop to a lady who asked if I had more. It's good to have them out of my house. If I do start to regain weight, I'd have to buy everything new, and I'm sick of buying ugly, overpriced clothes. It's also less clutter, and a cleaner environment makes my spirit feel lighter.

I played in the kitchen and assembled a quick and delicious lunch by just playing with the foods I had on hand. It made me feel creative even if it wasn't real cooking. (Place a couple of tablespoons of pizza sauce on Italian herb FlatOut bread, cover with baby spinach, jarred roasted red peppers and mushrooms and one and half ounces of muenster cheese. Roll up and pop under the broiler for a minute or two or nuke it until the cheese is melty.) It helped beat a craving for pizza. Using muenster instead of mozzarella gave it a different taste, feeding my need for variety. It provided two of my five daily servings of vegetables and only had five points for a very filling meal.

I've been working with hand weights and an exercise ball and my routine is getting easier. I think it's time to add another set of repetitions to the routine. I can feel and see more definition in my upper arms, though the triceps need a whole lot more work if I'm going to get rid of the underarm swing. I measured this week and, I've lost a quarter inch off my upper arm in the last three weeks, 2 and a quarter inches off my waist, half an inch off my hips, a half inch from my thigh, and a half inch from my bust. That's four inches off my body in three weeks.

My biggest feedback this week though was still my loss. Diligence (and being back on blood pressure and diuretic prescriptions) paid off. I lost 6.2 pounds this week, more than making up for my gain from last week. It's good to know I can slip up and rebound, that a few indulgent days of eating doesn't mean that I have to eat that way all the time. I may be looking for ways to keep my motivation up, but that's just another way I can exercise my creativity. And to quote every one's favorite Martha, that's a good thing.

Weekly summary: Weekly change, Lost 6. 2 pounds, Total weight loss, 67.6 pounds, Average weekly weight loss, 1.77 pounds.

health and wellness, diets, weight loss, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 37

Ummm, there was a lag in between my diuretics running out and being eligible for a refill, and I fell down the steps and banged up my knee again, so I haven't been able to really exercise for a few days, and it's not really my fault I gained four pounds this week.

That wasn't really convincing, was it? Should I throw in that the dog ate my food journal?

Those things are true, and I know that they did play a role in gaining weight this week. However, eating out three times this week and not speaking up when my group suggested buffet restaurants might have had a thing or two to do with it. So might the two bottles of wine I drank one night. (OK, that was worth it. I needed a night to let my hair down.) So might the fact that I didn't track my food as accurately as I should have.

I just blew it this week. This gain is a natural consequence of my behavior. On the good side, though I overate, my food choices were still healthier than they would have been a few months ago. On the bad side, eating too many cheddar flavored mini rice cakes really is the same as eating too many potato chips. Unfortunately so is wallowing in freshly picked strawberries, but that does sound somewhat healthier, doesn't it?

The really good news is what my weight loss means when my klutziness rears its head. There is a loose brick on my front steps. The kitten heel of a darling mule caught in the loose mortar and I pitched forward. I'm beginning to lose count of how many times I've fallen down my steps, but for once, my shoe took more damage than my body. I'm bruised, scraped, a little stiff and limping slightly. The last time this happened, I needed a cane and a painkiller prescription. Since the chances of my gracelessness ever changing are practically nonexistent, I have another motivator to get back on my diet now. Recovery is much easier when there's less pressure on my joints. After my knee surgery, my doctor told me that every pound of weight is five pounds of pressure on the knees with every step. That's over 300 pounds of pressure I've taken off my body. No wonder I used to feel so tired all the time.

So, I really blew it this week. I had a few good days, but most lacked healthy discipline. I just have to pick it back up now. If I eat anything else tonight, I'm counting the points. I'll plan a menu for the week tonight and make sure that it has food that I can anticipate and enjoy. If I get asked to eat out this week, I'll insist on no buffets. Anybody who would ask me out to eat should understand. I've come too far to let a few days make me drop the habits I'm acquiring.

Weekly Summary: Weekly change, gained 4 pounds. Total loss, 61.5 pounds, Average weekly loss, 1.66 pounds.

health and wellness, diets, weight loss, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 36

The other night I had a dream that I was attending an art class. I entered the classroom with the other students. They went to their easels, and I went to the front of the classroom, took off my clothing and posed. I sat in the traditional meditation position with hands cupped palm upward on my knees, my eyes half closed. I looked like Buddha with breasts.

My internal observer was wide awake because it nearly screamed to the sleeping me, not the naked model dream me, "What are you doing?" It couldn't believe that I was casually and comfortably nude in front of people, and not just people, but strangers, in a dream. It wanted me to try to control the dream and make my dream self run and hide. I didn't even try. It's important to mention that this was not an erotic dream spun from some fantasy. Honestly if it hadn't been for that moment of lucidity when I knew I was dreaming, I doubt if I would have remembered the dream. In my dream, I just sat there. That was all.

Dreams of nudity aren't uncommon. What made this one stand out was that I was in my own body, the size I am now with all of my scars, moles, skin tags, broken veins, sun spots, wrinkles, and gray hairs, and I was fine with it. It may not sound like much, but in my naked dreams, at least the good ones, I've always had an idealized body. Regardless of how much I've worked on accepting this body, this self, part of me has always withheld that bit of love. I didn't even have the freedom in dreams to see myself as acceptable or beautiful, and now that is changing. I know this is tied in part to my weight loss, so that's why I'm writing about it in my weekly diet entry. I am becoming more comfortable in my body again. I like the changes I see. More than that, I like that I'm really believing in possibilities again. I'm not just talking myself into believing in them.

I've always thought that were basically two ways for a person to change. One was from the outside in, the other from the inside out. My diet is an outside in change. It's a behavior modification that's working. It's nurturing the other changes, but it wouldn't be possible without them. The inside out changes have been coming on slowly for years. The process has been so slow it's made me want to scream, but it's also working. If I hadn't begun years ago to fight for a better life, I never could have started much less stuck with the diet. I wouldn't have had the nerve to say that my marriage had been dying by inches for years. I wouldn't have the nerve to look at myself in the mirror and ask what do you really want to become. I wouldn't have the nerve to acknowledge and embrace that I have to start all over yet again.

In my dreams, I'm physically beautiful and emotionally serene, confident and strong -- just the way I am right now. In my life, I am becoming all of that and more.

Weekly summary: Weekly weight loss - 2.4 pounds, Total weight loss - 65.8 pounds, Average weekly weight loss -- 1.83 pounds.


health and wellness, weight loss, Weight Watchers, diets, dreams

The weekly weigh in, week 35

I weighed in expecting some nice numbers. I know that I shouldn't do this, but I weigh every morning. This has taught me just how much a body can change from day to day and that a longer term perspective is necessary. However, this morning, my home scales registered an even 5 pound weight loss. Tonight, when I stepped on the scales, I'd lost two pounds from last week. Maybe I shouldn't have used my weekly bonus points until after meeting tonight. That Reuben sandwich I loved for lunch didn't do me any favors. When I got home, I checked the accuracy of my home scales against the one at meeting. Mine were lighter by .6 pounds.

I lost weight though, and that's the main thing. I also got a huge ego boost at meeting tonight, a couple in fact. When weighing in, I was told how nice I looked, how great I was doing, and that I was one of their stars and a role model for others in the group. I was so flattered, but it didn't really feel possible. Other than as a mother, I just don't think of myself in role model terms, other then the generic "we're all role models because we're all observed sometime" kind of way. As I was getting my sample of (3 points for 1/8 of the pie) key lime pie, I realized that yeah, role model can fit. I've been following the program since September. That is some stick to it-iveness. I've gotten visible results, and I feel pretty confident about my ability to go all the way to my goal.

Seeing myself in a new light may be my big lesson for the week.

Weekly summary: Weekly loss -- 2 pounds. Total weight loss -- 63.4 pounds. Average weekly weight loss -- 1.81 pounds

health and wellness, diets, weight loss, Weight Watchers

Being a curvy girl

I'm sitting here bouncing in my seat. I'm just tickled. I'm delighted, I'm thrilled, and my happiness is not why I'm bouncing. I want to feel my breasts jiggle. I bought new bras today! It may not sound like much, but this is one of my deepest girly pleasures. Now, I'm swaying side to side, just enjoying myself so. I love having breasts, especially when they're in a new bra.

Today I decided to indulge myself in a new shirt and maybe a skirt. After going through my closet and trying on everything I owned, what fit was one pair of jeans, one pair of khakis, one pair of black pants, one denim skirt, one linen jacket, four sweaters and two dress shirts. Everything else was seriously too big and got banished from the home. I'm tired of looking like frump girl and will not be going back into those sizes. I made three huge piles, one for a local church based thrift store, one for resell at a consignment store and one for the trash bin. All of my old bras are in that pile.

I've wanted to put off buying new clothes until I had to, and after two incidents of clothing falling off in public, I decided the time was now. What has surprised me is that after years of an extremely limited shopping selection that always included a generous helping of elastic, I'm a little unsure of how things should fit. I always thought I was particular about that, but I'm not used to my body as it is yet, and I'm having to relearn as I go.

Most of the time I prefer a sales associate to greet me and then leave me alone to shop, but today I was by myself and really needed an opinion on which size was better. The sales associate, a darling girl, thrilled me by picking the smaller of two shirts as looking better. She then suggested that I'd look even better with a better bra. I just made a face and said, "I know, but I haven't fit into an off the rack bra in years." Before my weight loss, I was wearing a J cup, and I bought customized bras for around $100 a pop. They were architectural wonders that hid my resemblance to the Venus of Willendorf. As a young woman, I could have inspired Russ Meyers. As a middle aged woman, I have an aching back and permanent dents in my shoulder bones. I've been asked multiple times if I've ever thought about having them reduced, and the answer is yes. Part of the procedure though is removing and then repositioning the nipples, and that just squicks me out enough to put up with them.

The clerk suggested getting measured for a new bra. I thought we'd be wasting our time but decided I needed to know. Glory Hallelujah! I'm now a DDD! and two whole sizes smaller! (Yes, I'm bouncing in my seat again.) A few minutes later, I tried on this black satin, seamless number. My goodness, this was actually fairly sexy! It looks more like a bra than the beginning phase of construction for twin rotundas. Double oh my goodness! It's comfortable as well, and my boobs are where they belong! Triple oh my goodness! It's on a two for one sale! How very appropriate.

Through the dressing room door, I said, "This baby is not coming off. Get me every color you've got." Unfortunately, they only had one other in my size, but hey, buying two OTR bras in one day is almost miraculous for me. Also with an inspiring new profile, I just had to get four shirts. One even shows a little cleavage.

I'm sixty plus pounds smaller than I used to be. I have a new haircut. I have a very small but attractive wardrobe. I have a neck, cheekbones, delicate hands and wrists, the beginnings of a waistline, and boobs that bounce quite nicely again. You know, I'm just feeling cute, and I like it.

shopping, weight loss, bras, breasts

The weekly weigh in, week 34

This was another good week on the diet as far as foods and behaviors. I wish I'd exercised more, but that's just not a habit yet. It's something I'm still developing, and it's my biggest growth area in being a healthy person. Despite this, my loss this week was only two tenths of a pound. Hey, it's still a loss.

I've been dieting seven and a half months now, and I'm proud of what I've accomplished. However I can't help feeling like I ought to be further down the road. I want to hit the seventy five pound mark so bad it's gnawing at me. It's good to have a goal. At the same time, a week like this makes that goal feel farther away when it ought to feel closer. I did things right. I lost weight, and if I start rushing myself now, I'll be creating problems for myself.

I can remember very distinctly a moment in one of my teenage diets when I realized that losing weight at a healthy pace meant that I would have to diet for at least ten weeks. I felt like there was absolutely no way I could last that long on a diet. My odds of eating that way for a lifetime were even smaller. It was the first time I ever looked at my fat as inevitable and my size as hopeless, and it's taken me around 30 years to break that mindset. If I start trying to rush things, I'm buying back into the mentality where time and numbers matter more than healthy behaviors.

So, at least my eyes are open. I can see the trap into which I could easily fall. That's really more important than how much weight I lost this week. It's keeping the mind healthy as well as the body. That's a good feeling too.

Weekly summary: Weekly loss -- .2 pounds, Total loss -- 61.4 pounds, Average weekly weight loss -- 1.81 pounds per week.

health and wellness, diets, weight loss, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 33

This week, I just hit the zone where things are working well, and I know they are. I ate good healthy, enjoyable foods within my daily points allowance. I indulged in a few treats that dipped about halfway into my weekly bonus points. I had fun cooking, and I exercised. Basically, I did the same things I did last week when I gained 3.4 pounds. This week I got the results I wanted though. I lost 7.8 pounds, bring my loss to 61.2 pounds.

I've been on more diets than I count over the years. Just to name a few, there's been Jenny Craig, Nutri-system, Atkins, Pritikins, TOPS, Our Weigh, L. A. Weight Loss, Doctor's and Nurses Weight Control, and at least three different diets prescribed by doctors, one of which involved weekly visits with a nutritionist. This is my third go round with Weight Watchers. I've counted carbs, calories, grams and now points. I was put on my first diet at the age of five. I was eleven when I had my first diet pill prescriptions. I've had acupuncture and acupressure. I've been hypnotized. I've belonged to gyms and had personalized workouts. I lost weight with everything, but I never reached what I considered a goal weight. Each and every time, I put back on the weight I'd lost and more. I've spent more time in my life restricting my food than I have in indulging in whatever I wanted. With a track record like that, the odds of me actually getting to and staying at a healthy weight are minuscule.

Well, fuck the odds.

I've never lost this much weight on any diet before. I've come close. To be honest, the most I've ever lost before has been sixty pounds, so we're not talking a huge difference yet. What has made this diet different for me is that the way I'm eating now feels natural, not like a cruel hiatus from normality. It doesn't just feel like a habit I'm acquiring for a goal, but something that's sustainable. I'm very aware that if this isn't the change that it feels like, I'll be back in the yo-yo cycle again. I know that I've got over a hundred pounds to go before I'll be where I want and need to be. I've never been one to quit just because a task wasn't easy, and I'm more determined than ever to apply that to my weight loss.

Weekly summary: Weekly loss - 7.8 pounds, Total loss -- 61.2 pounds, Average weekly loss -- 1.85 pounds.

health and wellness, diets, weight loss, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 32

This is the kind of week that makes dieters crazy. I followed plan well. I carefully ate all my fruits, vegetables and dairy. I drank more than the recommended amount of water. Even with my drive through chicken dinner the other night, I was still within my daily and weekly points allowance. I even exercised every day but one. Beyond that, I could see a difference this week. I noticed it in the fit of the pants I bought in December. This week I knew that I'd gotten my rhythm fully back after the insurance interruption and felt good about my progress.

Yesterday morning my home scales confirmed that feeling and showed a loss of several pounds. Tonight when I went to weigh in for the week and attend a meeting, I'd gained 3.4 pounds! ARRRGH! It's crazy making, especially after I turned down the chance to go out for free pizza last night.

I know these things happen. I also know that I've lost enough weight now that the rate at which I'm losing will slow down. That's going to mean ups and downs on the scales. Knowing and liking it are two different things though. However, I'm not giving up because one week didn't turn out the expected way. I've come too damn far. I will not be going back, and I know that what I'm doing is working. I just have to stick to it, and well, I know it's time to up the exercise.

I'm really glad I've planned a good menu for the next few days. I can't count on the positive reinforcement of the weekly scale feedback anymore. It's not always going to be good, so I don't need to hinge too much hope on it. I recognize that each day of living more healthily counts for something in its own right. I can take my time to enjoy good food in its proper place as nutrition and sensory delight, rather than as companion, comforter, stress reliever, etc. I can really look forward to tomorrow night's shrimp stuffed artichoke, and I think my unrewarded efforts this week mean I will allow myself a glass of wine with that anticipated dinner. I'll be sure and count the points. I'm thinking a crisp white. Any suggestions?

Weekly Summary: Weekly gain -- 3.4 pounds, Total loss -- 53.4 pounds, Average weekly loss -- 1.67 pounds.

health and wellness, diets, weight loss, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 31

Just as I expected, I gained weight this week. Considering that I stayed within both my daily and weekly points allowance, I'm convinced that missing the diuretics and blood pressure medication for several days is the cause. The good news is that I gained a lot less than I thought I had.

I weighed myself at home before heading to my meeting. When I weighed in at the meeting, I found that my scales (the Weight Watchers brand) register 1.6 pounds less than the official scales. Because mine is a digital scale, I have no idea how to reset it. A few years ago, heck, even a few months ago, this would have really upset me. Today, it reinforced how meaningless these numbers can be. Unless, we're using true weights and countermeasures, we really have no idea if a scale is accurate or not. Those numbers are approximations at best. So, why do we give them so much power?

Am I a better person because I'm considerably smaller now than I was six months ago? I feel stronger, but not because of the numbers on the scale. I feel stronger because I'm accomplishing something. I'm making healthier choices. Goodness, I'm actually exercising regularly. It's been years since I've felt able to do that. I've re-educated my palate in several ways. I've reinforced limits and boundaries with myself and with others who have innocently tried to encourage me to "enjoy" life more through food or not so innocently tried to sabotage my efforts. These are the real accomplishments. The smaller size is the side effect, and good health is the goal. I don't look notably different this week from last week. I see the changes, but no one else would. Was I a good person last week because I lost weight and a bad person this week because I gained? I'm not buying into that particular brand of BS anymore.

After this rant, posting the numbers of my weight gain and loss may seem hypocritical, but they do serve as benchmarks. So for what they're worth, here are the markers from this week of my journey.

Weekly Summary: Weekly gain -- 2.6 pounds. Total loss -- 56.8 pounds. Average weekly weight loss -- 1.83 pounds.

health and wellness, diets, weight loss, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 30

It's been a good diet week. I stayed within my points allowance. I did manage to put in a couple of days of exercise. Getting in all the water wasn't a problem. I didn't go hungry at all. My only weakness was fitting in all my fruit and veggies. Sometimes five servings a day feels like a lot, but all in all, the week just felt routine and normal. That's a good feeling. Healthy eating just feels normal. I really need to take a minute to let that sink in. It may not sound like that big of a deal, but when I look at the difference between how I eat now and how I used to eat, it's huge. I think the biggest difference isn't the type of foods or even the quantity of food that I'm eating. It's really that I'm eating consciously.

I've made some real adjustments in the way that I cook. I look for lower fat options when cooking. I know the items that will not bear a compromise. Low fat or no fat cheese will never have a place in my home! I'm cooking more with fresh ingredients rather than canned or frozen. I'm refusing to sacrifice taste gratification to achieve weight loss. I don't let myself pass beyond the normal hunger that builds between meals. I snack, and I have my sweet and salty indulgences when I must.

However, there's not a bite I put in my mouth that hasn't had thought go along with it. I savor my food. Even if I'm eating breakfast in my car on the way to work, I'm not gulping it down. I actually taste things more now, and a huge thing for me is actually recognizing that I'm full before I'm uncomfortably stuffed. I don't have hard proof of this, but years of commercial and not-profit diet and eating disorder support groups have led me to believe that many people who have eaten themselves to obesity seem to lack that physical feedback of fullness. I've discussed with other people that feeling of never really being full. It's not a constant hunger, but more like the feeling of being able to eat something if it's available. I've wondered if it's akin to alcoholics often having greater than average capacities for alcohol and cutters having unusually high pain tolerance levels. I would be curious to know if this seeming greater capacity for food than is normal is something that has been noted or studied by anyone. I know the people besides myself who have noted it have also felt that certain eating behaviors and certain foods were addictive.

Eating has become more of an event than just another activity. The irony there is that before my diet began, I was trying to use food as a way to make my life feel richer and more pleasant, but it took the diet for food to actually fill that purpose. A good meal is something to anticipate. All of this has also meant that I can't numb out my emotions with mindless, repetitive eating. That doesn't mean I don't want to run to the kitchen when my anxiety is high, but part of me is aware even when I'm cursing myself for not having chips in the cabinet that eating won't make the tension dissipate.

Tonight when I stepped on the scales, I registered a 5.4 pound loss from my Saturday Weight Watchers weigh in. However, from my weigh in on Thursday of last week, the loss was only an even two pounds, so that will be my "official" weight loss for the week. Your weight changes daily, sometimes dramatically. Water weight, hormonal shifts, constipation, changes in medication and more can all play a role in that, so I'm only going to count the weekly numbers. A two pound loss is more than good enough.

Summary: Weekly weight loss -- 2 pounds. Total weight loss -- 59.4 pounds. Average weekly loss -- 1.98 pounds.

health and wellness, diets, weight loss, Weight Watchers

Customer Service Done Right

i've never hesitated to write about problems I've had with customer service from different companies. The problems with my insurance provider and Weight Watchers have taken center stage lately. This is why I want to write about good customer service. It needs attention. Most of my career has been spent in sales and customer service. I have high standards for myself in providing goods and services, and I know what it takes to meet those standards. It's not always easy, and that's why I want to give people a chance to make things right and give them credit when they do.

Weight Watchers came through. I'm sure by now that just about everybody at their regional office is absolutely sick of me, and I don't blame them. This was important to me. I felt like I'd met my end of the agreement with my insurance provider and wanted them to meet theirs. Since we're talking Tenncare, a state and federally funded insurance program for Tennesseans who cannot obtain other insurance, I expected bureaucracy and red tape. I actually found very little, and the people at Weight Watchers helped me track the documentation showing where the problem laid.

The authorization period for this program is twelve weeks. During those insurance covered weeks, Tenncare subscribers must attend at least ten meetings and lose a minimum of five pounds. That strikes me as more than fair. Why should insurance cover a program if the person isn't going to work it? In my first twelve weeks, I lost over 30 pounds and didn't miss a meeting. Because there is a backlog of people trying to get approval, it can take several weeks to get authorizations, and there was a lag of one week between the first authorized period and my second. I attended that week in the gap and used a half price coupon I'd earned for losing 20 pounds to pay for it. They started my second membership book that week showing only the twelve week period of pre-approval in it. That left eleven weeks to be filled in. In the next weeks, I missed one week because of the flu and another because of snow. I kept up the weight loss, and when my booklet was filled, I called for another re-authorization. There was the problem. My authorization period lasted one week longer than my book showed, and I didn't attend the final week, thinking that it wasn't covered. That was the absence that disqualified me from coverage.

I spoke several times with Weight Watchers' Tenncare coordinator, and I wish everybody who dealt with the public had her patience and good manners. When she and I still couldn't get it resolved, I called the regional manager. We had several rounds of phone tag, because I'm not the easiest person to catch. Eventually, she and I tracked my attendance and found the problem. She called me Thursday afternoon with my authorization number and asked that I go to that night's meeting. Since that is my usual night, I was thrilled. When I got there, my authorization didn't show up in the computer, and I was grinding my teeth again. The next day, I called her again, and it was straightened out. I made it to the last meeting of the week this morning, where I was in the system and got to receive a refrigerator magnet for losing 50 pounds. It's nice to have that reminder of what I've accomplished on the door to temptation. Oh, I did register a small gain since Thursday, but I see that as just part of the daily fluctuations that are to be expected in any body, and I'm not logging it. What will matter is what my next weekly weigh in registers. How I eat and exercise between now and then matters more than the number on the scale.

People make mistakes. That's just life. We're all human, and if you've ever weighed in at a Weight Watchers meeting, you know that's a hectic time for the employees there. These were little, understandable errors, and I made a mistake of my own in not tracking my coverage period better. I've got the dates for my third round written on the cover of my membership booklet to make sure I don't repeat it. What matters is that Weight Watchers got this worked out, and I'm back in meetings.

I also plan on having a job with Weight Watchers next year after I reach my goal weight. The regional manager and I have already discussed it. She brought it up, not me, and I'm looking forward to it. I really believe I'm going to get to a healthy weight, because I've already made changes in my life that now feel right and natural, and I know that more are coming. I like to think that blogging about my weight loss journey might be helpful to others now, and I think I'm going to be a heck of a Weight Watchers instructor after I hit goal.


Weight Watchers, customer service

The weekly weigh in, week 29

I still haven't heard from Weight Watchers or Tenncare about the authorization for my next 12 week round, so I decided to weigh this morning and use it for my "official" weight this week. As far as eating healthily and well this week, I blew it, however, I did manage to stay within my daily and weekly points allowance. A hectic schedule had me relying on cheese, crackers and bagged salads far too much. I've made real head way with reducing my daily soft drink intake.

Switching to Diet Coke was hard enough for me. Now I love my morning coffee, my lattes, cappuccinos, chai and herbal teas, but I've always had a real Coke nearby. When I found out that aspartame can be a migraine trigger, I gave up the guilt of drinking a fully sugared, caffeinated and carbonated Coke because I didn't want to make these monstrous headaches worse. That made it easy to justify all the empty calories and the sodium. Resetting my taste buds to Diet Coke six months ago held its challenges, but I did it, and made a point to get Diet Coke with Splenda whenever I saw it. I'm down to a very reasonable two cans a day now.

What I learned about the diet this week is that even when circumstances force you to eat poorly, portion control can make a difference. When I stepped on the scales, I had lost two pounds.

Summary: Weekly weight loss -- 2 pounds. Total weight loss -- 57.4 pounds. Average weekly loss -- 1.94 pounds.


health and wellness, diets, weight loss, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 28

You couldn't tell I was on a diet this week. The too easy reason is that a friend made a bunch of homemade pizzas and gave me one. She makes her own crust from scratch using high gluten flour and tops it with fresh mozzarella from a local dairy, special order artisan Italian sausage, herbs from her greenhouse, and organic peppers and mushrooms that she grew and canned herself. I am talking pizza heaven, and I nibbled on it all weekend.

The real reason is the pizza was just part of an emotional eating binge that was a cheap effort to run away from some emotions I just didn't want to feel. For three days I didn't even try to track my points. For the other four days, I did track my points but didn't stay within my recommended range. The scales showed a 4.3 pound gain. I deserve every ounce of it.

At least I did track my food the last four days, even when my food journal showed just how badly I ate, just how little water I drank and how little exercise I did. It just irks me that I didn't have fun gaining the weight. It's bad enough to gain but to feel just honking miserable when you're doing so is worse.

I'm still struggling with my insurance company to continue coverage of Weight Watchers. I have all the brochures now. I'm familiar enough with the program to continue it on my own, but I've found that meetings really help me. They sometimes irritate the heck out of me. I've been on so many diets by now that the information presented is rarely new, but the group support does make a difference. Once a week, people know just exactly how I feel, sympathize over weeks like this one and cheer when I do well. That's why I want to continue, and the insurance coverage makes it possible.

The problem is that their computer records show that I missed three meetings, and that disqualifies the continuation of my coverage. I've only missed two weeks out of the twenty four official insurance covered Weight Watchers meetings though, and my attendance book reflects that. I've spoken with the WW representative from their regional office who manages the Tenncare membership, and I faxed her a copy of my attendance book. However, I haven't heard back, and tonight I wanted the people who actually knew me to guide me on my next step and possibly send a letter to the office in question. With my luck running as usual, tonight there were substitutes for the regular instructors. I did however get another name and number to contact.

Tenncare is a state sponsored insurance program for those who cannot obtain insurance through other programs. My weight is the reason I've been repeatedly rejected for private insurance. This cooperative program between Weight Watchers and Tenncare could enable me to return to regular insurance. For once, this is actually a proactive program that can get people living a healthy life and not just getting treatment for an illness. I know that one person's experience doesn't qualify as proof, but I'm walking without pain for the first time in years. My blood pressure has gone from being consistently high to sporadically high, my energy level is significantly higher, and my Body Mass Index has dropped by over 11 points. I'm still obese, but I've come a long way and want to go further.

I am going to go further. There's no way around that, and I'll fight to get the help I need.

Weekly Summary: Weekly gain -- 4.3 pounds, Total loss -- 50.7 pounds, Average weekly loss -- 1.84 pounds

health and wellness, diet, weight loss, Weight Watchers, Tenncare, emotional eating

The weekly weigh in, week 26

I'm still waiting for my insurance to pre-approve my next round of Weight Watchers, and that meant another week without a meeting. I've called them everyday for three weeks now. I had one return phone call four days ago. There is a short list of questions that have to be answered, starting with did your doctor recommend this program for you. I gave my answers and was told that I would hear back in three business days. I'm still waiting, but not giving up. I can't really complain. I feel grateful that my insurance is sponsoring this, and if waiting is part of the price I have to pay for something that's making me feel better in so many ways, I'll pay it.

I ate well this week. Though I used all of my weekly bonus points, there were several days when I failed to use my daily allowance, but it was because of lack of hunger, not restriction. I didn't stick with my daily exercise plan but did manage to exercise a couple of times this week. With the nightmarish week I had and my natural exercise aversion, I think that's actually an accomplishment. I know I didn't get enough water this week, but all in all, I feel like I'm soundly on track.

Tonight when I stepped on the scales, they registered a 3.8 pound loss. I think it's safe to say that I'm off the plateau. This week's loss brings my total weight loss to 55 pounds. That's a nice number for my six month mark on the diet. It honestly doesn't feel like I've been dieting that long. In my experience, diets feel odd. The food is boring, and the cravings for forbidden foods are incredibly painful. None of that is happening. The chocolate covered Oreo sticks I had this afternoon are proof of that. I eat my chocolate when I want it. Restaurants are still a bit of challenge, but I needed to eat at home more anyway. This just feels like life, except I feel more energetic, stronger and younger than I have in years. I look better too. I truly have an hourglass figure again (alright, so it's more like two hours...make that an hour and forty five minutes), and I'm loving that as well.

I have a question for those following my weigh ins. Now that the weeks are starting to pile up, should I change my headlines to the month and week? When I started diet blogging, it was mainly to give myself some accountability, but also to show some of the good and ugly truths about being on a diet. The time it takes to lose weight can be one of the frustrations, and I'm wondering if marking my next entry "Month six -- week one" would be a better reflection than week 27. I'm definitely open to suggestions.

Summary: Weekly loss -- 3.8 pounds. Total loss -- 55 pounds. Average weekly loss -- 2.1 pounds.

diet, weight, weight loss, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 24

Tonight, I couldn't go to my regular Weight Watchers meeting. I'm going to Weight Watchers through a cooperative program with my insurance provider and without it, WW just doesn't fit into my budget right now. Weight Watchers isn't that expensive, but well, things are how they are now, and my expenditures for my personal desires take last place. I've been trying to get the necessary pre-authorization to renew my membership for a couple of weeks now, but experience has shown me that this does take time. To qualify for the insurance support of the program, you have to lose at least five pounds in the pre-approved twelve week period and miss no more than four meetings. So far in my twenty four weeks of the program, I've missed only two weeks and at my last official weigh in had lost 45.8 pounds. Twelve of those pounds have been in the last twelve weeks. I should qualify for renewal, but until it's secured, I'm not going to count on it.

That doesn't mean I'm going to stop dieting though. The last four weeks have been so frustrating, fluctuating over and under the same number on the scale by just a few ounces. I've been on enough diets by now to know that this happens. Your body will take time to readjust itself, and you just have to gut it out until your mind, your diet discipline and your body are cooperating again.

Even with the migraine this week, I've counted my points diligently. I usually use all my weekly bonus points, and this week, I still have 17 left. I didn't get in all my water, and I'm wondering if that has contributed to the migraine. I just didn't feel up to making an extra grocery store run and suffering under all those fluorescent lights. I simply won't drink our local tap water. Heck, I can't even brush my teeth without thinking about what's in the water. My area has been on the EPA mandated clean up list more than once, and it seems like almost everyone here dies of cancer. One thing I really miss about Memphis is the good water coming from its natural underground artesian wells. Oh well, I'll pick up a case of bottled water tomorrow.

Anyway, my desire to get off this plateau has been a strong motivator. I've stayed within my points allowance and still have about half my weekly bonus points to spare. Migraine nausea definitely contributed to my having less appetite. I started a workout routine with a large exercise ball and hand weights. Knowing how ridiculous I look using this thing makes me very grateful that we don't have a camcorder. The exercise is difficult enough to make me feel challenged. I definitely can feel my muscles working. It's not so hard though that I want to give it up out of frustration. I've learned that getting down on my knees is still difficult, but I can do it and get up by myself again. This time last year, that was impossible. My exercise plan is to alternate days of the exercise ball, Tai Chi and walking. We'll see how that develops.

I cooked more this week, including one wonderful meal of saffron rice and black beans seasoned with cumin, chili and fresh cilantro, another of a crock pot full of kick butt vegetarian chili, and yet another with a ham crusted in a glaze of cider vinegar, brown sugar and dry mustard. Planning my meals ahead of time made a big difference. I ate better, cheaper and was much less stressed over fixing meals. So, all in all, as far as the diet goes, it was a good week. I think I deserve double credit for doing all of this with the worst migraine I've had in nearly twenty years.

Tonight, I really was looking forward to stepping on the scale. For years we have not had a scale in our house. I threw ours out several years ago when the womanchild was in the grip of anorexia and bulimia. The scale is a cruel master that determines the self worth of one in an eating disorder fugue. She's done so well for so long now (two years plus of no purging or restriction) that we agreed that it was safe to have one in the house again. We bought a Weight Watchers digital scale hoping its accuracy would match the one at the meeting. Well, my own obsession kicked in. It's best to just weigh once a week when you're dieting. The body will fluctuate every day. For a couple of weeks, I learned this the hard way. I can gain and lose as much as five pounds overnight. I know this was fluid, but it drove me nuts to see those swings on a regular basis but no forward progress on my weekly weigh ins. I had to get back to weighing just once a week, and this week, I almost made it. The temptation is so strong to get in there and just check, and I did succumb once before tonight. Tonight is what matters though, and when I stepped on the scale, it registered a 5.4 pound loss from last week.

I still have to wait until I get back on the meeting's scales before it's official, but that brings my weigh loss to 51. 2 pounds! Even I have to admit that's a serious weight loss, and I'm absolutely thrilled. If for some reason, the insurance won't pre-authorize another twelve weeks for me, I intend on sticking with the program on my own until I can rework the budget to pick it back up. I've come too far, and I'm feeling and looking too much better. I know that it will be harder to do on my own, but right now, this diet is about the only thing giving me a sense of accomplishment in my life, and I'm simply not going to stop. That's all there is to it.

This week's loss: 5.4 pounds. Total loss: 51.2 pounds. Average weekly loss: 2.12 pounds.

diet, exercise, weight, health and wellness, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 23

Plateaus suck. I upped the exercise. I stayed within my food points allowance. I diligently tracked everything I ate and gained .6 pounds. I know it's just a blip on the radar, but ugh. I'll admit the going is rough. For four freaking weeks, my weight has fluctuated a few ounces over or below the same pound mark. The only thing I can think of that might have been excessive this week was sodium. Quakes cheddar cheese flavored mini rice cakes have become my favorite snack, and they are so salty. I'm hoping that and a change in my blood pressure medicine is what's at fault this week.

Anyway, tonight, I'm going to spend some extra time planning next week's menu. I want to have a lot of color and flavor in the meals that will really get cooked, some time savers for the nights I'm just wiped out, and lunches that will perk up a work day. It's either that or pout, and well, I could never pull off being cute and pouting at the same time.

This weeks results: Gained .6 pounds. Total weight loss: 45.8 pounds. Average weekly weight loss: 1.99 pounds.

weight loss, diets, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 22

It had to happen sometime. I've hit the inevitable plateau. Part of making a diet work for me means that following a diet plan to a T doesn't mean I've been good, and eating whatever, whenever and however I want doesn't mean I've been bad. Those feel like character judgements to me, and part of getting healthy means getting away from linking my character to my appearance or a performance that isn't absolutely perfect. However, I know by now what works when it comes to weight loss, and I chose this last week to do what works. I kept within my available points. I drank my water. I did little things like take the first available parking place rather than circle around and wait for one close to the door. If the body's logic were as simple as a diet program, I should have have lost more weight then the .2 pounds I did lose.

.2, point two, Point Two Pounds. Geez, Louise. That's 3.2 ounces. (Maybe I should have taken off the chunky turquoise and silver earrings and shot for a full quarter pound.) No, I'm not happy, but I'm not all that upset either. Plateaus are inevitable, and honestly, I should have already had one by now. A 46.4 pound weight loss is fairly significant, and I've lost at the rate of just over two pounds a week. That's a good healthy rate of loss, and I need to keep that bigger picture in mind, instead of just losing 10.2 pounds over the last 11 weeks.

What it takes to get off a weight loss plateau is a little extra effort. I need to exercise more. That's been a very irregular thing for me, but now that I've got more energy, exercise is starting to sound appealing again. I know that I need to cut back on the Diet Coke, but that will feel like a real sacrifice. It was hard enough to switch from the real thing to the we'll-just-pretend-this actually-tastes-good version, and I'm not sure I'm up to that now. The key thing for me now is not to let the plateau feel permanent when it doesn't have to be.

And as a reminder to myself, here are some things that my weight loss has brought me that just feel exciting. I'm back to walking at a quick pace now. My feet and knees don't ache with every step after just minutes. The womanchild had to ask me to slow down the other day. That hasn't happened in years. I feel more graceful. To be accurate, that should be less clumsy, but I'm going to be very positive now. I no longer have to shop in stores that just cater to fat ladies. I'm still pushing the limits of sizes available in department stores, but I can shop where normal people do again. I have a neck, instead of just chins, and wonder of wonders, I'd forgotten that I have high cheekbones. The biggest change, I may be able to quit taking high blood pressure medicine. I'm flirting with the normal range again. I've definitely got reasons to work on this more diligently and keep up my success.

This week's loss: .2 pounds. Total loss: 46.4 pounds. Average weight loss per week: 2.1 pounds.

diet, weight loss, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 21

I was determined to make my Weight Watchers meeting tonight. I missed last week because of the snow, and then one little thing after another interfered in getting to another meeting. That made two weeks in a row, and that was enough to get me scared. I've done great, but I've lost more weight than this before on diets. It's terribly easy to let the discipline slip and not pick it back up again immediately.

In my two weeks away, I had one week of poor eating habits, and in the second, I made another big mistake. Last Wednesday, I left my folder with my food tracker, my points counter and my weekly materials in the office. Weather closed us down Thursday. My knee kept me away on Friday, and well, I just didn't want to go in on the weekend. That was four days without the careful monitoring of portion size and writing down every bite. I did watch my portion sizes. One of the things I enjoy about Weight Watchers are the common sense measurements, comparing sizes as opposed to measuring every ounce. True, some people weigh everything. One of my WW friends even takes her scales to restaurants, but getting that obsessive just wouldn't be right for me. On Monday, I was very relieved to find it and have made a conscious effort to walk the straight and narrow since then.

With two sketchy weeks of food management and one week of virtually no exercise, I was just hoping that I hadn't gained weight. At lunch today, I was looking at my materials, including the graph chart of my weight loss. I thought that in the time I'd been away from meetings that I really should have lost 5 pounds but knew that wouldn't happen. I realized that I'd be happy with just a one pound loss, and when I weighed in, that was exactly what I had lost. It's good enough for me. That brings my total weight loss to 46.2 pounds, an average of 2.2 pounds a week.

weight loss, Weight Watchers, diet

Fatty, fatty, two by four

While reading news, I got diverted this morning by Tyra Banks and her crisis over being called fat. She weighs now in my recommended weight range, and she's two inches taller than I am. I can't imagine myself at that size. I haven't weighed that little since high school, and it still doesn't feel like a realistic goal to me. It's too intimidating, and I'm better off just thinking about making sure that my lunch is healthy, appetizing and in good proportions.

It's hard to get out of my mind though. Tyra Banks is one of the most beautiful women in the world. She is healthy, active, well proportioned and toned, and people are still calling her fat. Though it's hard to imagine myself now at that size, I remember what it was like the last time I weighed that. I was considered irredeemably fat and ugly When I see a picture of my younger self, that's the last thing I think. My reaction now is how did I not know that I was a babe.

As a recovering people pleaser, part of me is sad that knowing that when I reach that goal of a healthy weight, there are still people who will delight in ridiculing me. That makes this effort seem a little futile. I have many reasons for wanting to lose weight. There are things I want to do in this life that I can't do if my blood pressure is sky high, and my joints won't support me. The majority of my reasons for losing weight are strong and healthy, but I do want people to react to me better.

The people who love me loved me before I started Weight Watchers. They loved me before I started slowly losing weight again two years ago. There are people who will never like or approve of me regardless of what I weigh. I know that, and the negative reaction people still hold to women who aren't seriously thin still gets to me. It feels like a lose-lose situation with a goal that can never be reached. What's even sadder is how people delight in the meanness of letting another person know that they're just not good enough.

To accomplish a goal, one does best to have both internal motivators that come from self alone and external motivators that come from the world around them. When our culture is feeding us such crap about what makes a woman attractive enough, acceptable enough, good enough, the external motivation is mutilated. I have to look inside myself now to find out if my own opinion of myself is enough to carry me through. My voice on this matter is soft and a little shaky, but I know my answer is yes.

fat, Tyra Banks, Weight Watchers, weight loss, motivation

Feeding the obsession

This afternoon, I took the womanchild and one of her friends shopping. While they decided to linger over Starbucks Americanos for awhile, I went to my favorite fat lady shop. My mother-in-law had bought me something that didn't fit, and I had a pair of unopened pantyhose from there that I wanted to exchange. One of the things that I like about this store is the measuring tape they keep in every dressing room. It hangs right under the sign that guides you through finding the proper bra size.

Well, after I tried on three shirts and two pair of pants that were obviously too large, I took my measurements. I did this eight weeks ago when I started a new daily points journal but haven't measured since. (The house gremlins have stolen my sewing box. I'm serious, the entire box where I keep at least a couple of dozen spools of thread, scissors, needles, pins, the measuring tape, etc. has disappeared. The gremlins did, at least, return the rosary that was given to my daughter when she started her one semester of Catholic school. It was missing for three months and showed up in the middle of her bedroom floor.)

Anyway when I measured, I found out that I've lost six inches on my bust line, seven inches off my waist, five inches off my hips and not quite four inches off my thigh. That's almost 22 inches in two months. I went to the one of the salesladies, told her my old size, my current measurements and asked what sizes I should be looking at. She pointed me in the right direction, and I found a pair of jeans about the same price as my exchange item, and ... drum roll, please... they were five sizes smaller than the last pair of jeans that I bought. I have to qualify that they are very stretchy, and they are still a little too snug, but they're five freaking sizes smaller than what I was wearing in September.

Lisa, you were so right. This was just what I needed. I may have had a rough week, but I've come too far to let a few bad days sink me.

diet, weight loss, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 19

I've really hoped that I would never have to write this entry. I didn't weigh in. I didn't make it to my meeting. I didn't count points for most of the week, and I know that I overindulged. All I can say is that I thought about it a lot. Like in everything else, thoughts are nice, but actions are what makes the difference. I was hoping/planning to go to the last meeting of the week this morning but woke up too late to make it in time. Writing this entry is the one dieting discipline I cannot give up this week. I have to hold onto something.

I've gone on so many diets over the years that I know my danger signals. If I don't pick up the discipline today, I'm at real risk of gaining back everything I've lost and more. I've done well in building better eating habits over the last four months, but I've got a lifetime that I'm trying to change. It would be too easy to slip back into the old habits.

That's exactly what I did this week. I let my crowded schedule push taking one minute after each meal to write down what I ate off the agenda. I'm tired of constantly putting my diet in the face of my friends, family and co-workers as if they're supposed to constantly accomodate what I need to do or compliment me on my progress. I do know that's silly. I love the compliments but don't expect them all the time. My writing down what I eat after my meals doesn't really inconvenience anybody, but those are still the emotions I have to face. I let feeling a bit draggy after the flu get in the way of planning my meals ahead of time. I ate out too much and ate too many frozen dinners which just get boring. My one potential saving grace this week is that they were Weight Watchers frozen dinners.

Losing weight really isn't physically hard for me. I really thought being older than the last time I tried a formal diet meant I would see my body trying harder to hold on to the weight, but that hasn't happened. Emotionally though, dieting and losing weight is very hard. I've separated the two because they each have their own separate issues. The results of a diet are thrilling, but the process itself is very boring, and I have a huge problem with boredom. I just won't stick with something boring. I have some fear and comfort issues with food, and I have to face those with every meal if I let myself think about the meal. Doing this diet well means I have to think about food, and I can't hide from those issues.

There's also the responsibility of being a good role model to my daughter. She may be the picture of glowing health right now, but I can never forget that she is bulimic and anorexic. Though I need to lose weight, and she does not, I'm still showing her that losing weight is a good and exciting thing. She knows that I'm thinking about food and weight a lot of the time, and if I don't watch my comments carefully, I can trigger her into doing the same thing. What teenager doesn't want to add a good and exciting thing to her life, something that brings praise and even gifts, especially when it's something that's pretty easy for her? The line between the discipline necessary to do a long term diet and the unhealthy obsession that leads to starvation and death is a fine one. I'm grateful that we communicate well enough to know that I've flirted with this line, even crossed it a time or two. My weight loss hasn't been the easiest thing for her to handle, but so far, she's done well. She's proud of me, but we both know this shadow is there.

I also can't hide from planning, an essential part of keeping healthy foods and interesting meals part of my diet. Part of the duality of my nature means loving to plan. I don't want to give up my Palm, my Daytimer, my lists, but I just don't want to organize every day. There are some days I just want to float and see what comes my way. There has to be a balance point that I just haven't found in here somewhere yet.

Really embracing this weight loss and the process of doing it means that I have to give up some delusions. There's so much real size discrimination out there that it's easy to write off my own personal shortcomings to someone disliking fat people. I can point the accusing finger outward rather than inward. Did I prepare enough for that presentation, dress well enough, speak well enough, answer questions well enough or did they just automatically turn off because of my size? Is it my personality that's too quirky for easy social relations or like a relative told me once, does this person just not have any fat friends? Both sides are very real, and figuring out which is the reality for each situation is crazy making. It's very easy for me to be a hermit, and being fat is a great way to isolate yourself. You can see people diverting their eyes and faces from you. Losing weight means I'm losing some of my invisibility, and I'm torn between the consequences of each side.

This last issue may sound silly, but I'm still going to include it. I'm used to being well dressed and receiving compliments on my clothing. I guess people really don't expect a fat woman to wear things other than stretch pants and oversize sweatshirts. I bought a few new outfits a month ago, and they're getting too big already. All of my suit jackets are hanging off of me now, and I haven't found a good tailor yet who can take them in. Even my feet have gotten smaller, and I'm sliding around inside my shoes. I feel sloppy all the time, and I hate it. I think this weekend, I'm going to hit a consignment shop and hope they have something in my size. I don't want to spend a lot of money on clothing that I won't be wearing long, but I need a reminder and reward for my progress, and a motivator to keep me on track. At the same time, giving myself a reward on the week that I've done so poorly just feels wrong.

I have my breakfast in front of me, a beautiful navel orange, an English muffin with butter substitute spray and sugar free blackberry preserves, and a no fat cappucino that didn't come from a mix. It's healthy. It's visually appealing. It's filling. It beats the heck out of a McDonald's sausage burrito, but part of me is wishing I had just gone through the drive-through. It's not going to be an easy day.

weight loss, Weight Watchers, diet

The weekly weigh in, week 18

Last night, I just drug myself to the Weight Watchers meeting. This flu has kicked me squarely in the fanny, and I've done little other than sleep and take my medicine all week. I knew the lines would be long and the meeting room standing room only crowded. However, making the meeting is part of the discipline, and well, mine still feels a bit shaky. It's not that I didn't manage my food well this week. I stayed within my points allowance, but I did have to work to do it. A few weeks ago, this was just feeling habitual and natural, and the only way to get that feeling back is to keep up the habits until they're almost unconscious.

I've noticed that some of these behaviors are really asserting themselves. I've become an avid label reader in the grocery store. Weight Watcher points are determined on a formula using the dietary fiber grams, calories and fat grams in food. When you begin the program, you're given a book that lists the points values of many foods. You also receive a sliding scale called a Pointsfinder that lets you find the points value of foods that aren't listed. It's much easier than breaking down, say, the olive tapenade that I like to use on sandwiches, into its ingredients, olives, oil, peppers, celery, etc, and checking each in the book, then adding them up.

45.2 lbs!!

Many people on Weight Watchers shop with their Pointsfinder in hand. I'm not at that point yet but see the value in it. While I may not calculate points in the grocery aisle, I do estimate them to make better decisions about the food in my house before it sits in my cabinets calling me. You can purchase additional books, The Weight Watchers Complete Food Companion and The Weight Watchers Dining Out Companion that list the points value of foods by name brand and restaurant menu items.

I've actually found counting points to be easier than counting calories or carbs. With calories, the numbers got too high to calculate quickly in my head. With carbs, the problem was not counting them. I felt my choices were so restricted that a little slip up would make me toss the diet out for the day.

Noticing my shopping behavior when I didn't have a prepared list this week showed me that I'm really learning. Stepping on the scales last night was my reward. After last week's small loss and the previous week's gain, I had really been hoping for about a two and a half pound loss so I could hit a nice, round 40 pounds. I actually lost 7.6 pounds, making my total loss 45. 2 pounds! I haven't been this size in a decade, and I'm loving it.

weight loss, diets, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 17

Anyone who has ever been on a diet knows that some weeks, you really work it, and it's not easy. You stay on the hungry side. You're disciplined about your food and diligent about your exercise. You really, really want the foods you don't need, and the ones you feel like you can eat just don't satisfy. To top off the misery, you feel like you're not losing.

Well, that was me this week. After last week's gain and not having the excuse of a bigger social life because of the holidays, I really wanted to get back on track, and I did. For the first time, being on this diet just sucked. OK, it didn't help that my car went into the shop, came back out and went in again. It didn't help that the womanchild has been sick, the husband a silent, messy, too present pain in the derriere, that work has shifted into hyper-goal oriented mode with an intensity that's edging on manic and that the DSL router has developed PMS. I've been stuck in either the house or the office looking at walls all week. I've just wanted the comfort of eating and sleeping and haven't had either.

The good news is that I was very disciplined. I stuck to my eating plan with my biggest indulgence this week being four pieces of sushi, fried rice, and sauteed green beans at a Chinese buffet (12 points for one meal, that's a lot). I did manage to get in some exercise. When I hit the scales, that feeling that I wasn't losing almost beared out. I lost only .6 pounds, but I lost, and that's what matters. I've got the scale heading in the right direction again, and last night at meeting, one of the other ladies told me that I just looked radiant. Considering that I felt and thought I looked like hammered dung at the time, that just made my day. So, I'm back on track, and despite the two doctor's appointments today, the boss being ticked because I'm out again, a cranky car and a house whose mess is monumental, I'm determined to make it a decent day.

diets, Weight Watchers, weight loss

The weekly weigh in, week 16

I knew this wasn't going to be a good week. For the first time in a long time, I really did some emotional eating. It's a good thing that I'm not buying a lot of junk food, because that is what limited my overindulgence. In another diet program, one of the slogans was HALT. Don't let yourself get too Hungry, too Angry, too Lonely or too Tired before you eat. I got sick of slogans and left that group, but this piece of good advice stuck. I just didn't follow it.

The good part of the week is that I did keep up tracking my food, and I was honest about the points value of what I was eating. I can look and see exactly when and how I blew it, instead of just pretending that I followed the plan and my weight gain had to have another reason. I can honestly say that every week I've had a loss of over five pounds in one week, I've followed the next week with a small gain. This week, I gained 1.8 pounds, bringing my total loss to 37 pounds. I'm still under my big milestone mark, and I still have two points left for the day.

Tonight's meeting was standing room only as a lot of people kicked off their New Year's resolutions by joining Weight Watchers. It will be interesting to see just how long the meetings stay so crowded. All in all, I can't say that I'm thrilled with this week, but it's just a little setback, not a terminal failure. So my weight loss chart won't be a straight line, but it is still going to continue.

diet, weight loss, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 15

Tonight was the first time I really didn't want to go to my Weight Watchers meeting. I'm retaining so much water from this lingering UTI that I feel like a member of the Squarepants family. Despite that I'd been conscious about eating carefully over Christmas, I knew that I hadn't counted my points for four days of the week and thought that I'd really blown it.

I am so glad I went!

When I hit the scales tonight (after removing the suit jacket, scarf, watch, all jewelry and sneaking off my shoes which you're not supposed to do), I registered a 7.4 pound loss. I think some of this behavior modification stuff just might be sinking in. My total weight loss so far is 38.8 pounds. This was the second of three milestones in my diet this week.

The first was something that I never thought that I'd be thrilled about. I can actually buy clothes at discount stores again. 38.8 pounds has meant a difference of four clothing sizes, and I haven't bought anything since I began dieting. I've never minded spending money to dress the way I want to, but I still have a long way to go. This could get really expensive if I don't go discount in these transition times when my clothes are starting to literally fall off my body.

The sad fact is that when you're as large as I am, fit is an abstract concept. My weight loss has meant dropping four sizes. In my range, there's so much elastic that there's tremendous leeway in any size. Beyond that, there's even less consistency in plus sizes than there is in regular women's clothing. The tags in my closet hold a range of numbers that are meaningless. Everything has to be tried on. Getting your body in clothing is the first and really embarrassing thing. After that, you're fortunate if the article has any structure other than tent like. You're really lucky if it isn't covered with something awful like sequined swans or some cutesy embroidered pattern. Finding a designer or name brand that shows an understanding of proportion feels like discovering a new continent.

What will it take for designers to get that armholes don't have to go down to the waistline for a fat woman or that small pockets on the rear of jeans make a big butt look even bigger? Finding clothing with the classic, almost preppy lines that I favor is akin to a Grail quest. I swear there is a halo around my tailored herringbone tweed blazer. Despite my complaints, I still have to say that the availability of attractive clothing for larger women is better now than I have ever seen. It's not easy now, but it was absolutely traumatic when I was a teenager and wanting to dress my age.

My third and largest milestone this week is the hardest to announce, because I'm going to reveal my weight. I'm currently 297.4 pounds. I know I'm still huge, but for the first time in more years than I can remember, I weigh less than 300 pounds. Something happened to me when I crossed that line. Part of me felt no longer human. People just didn't weigh that much. That weight belonged to other species, like all the names -- cow, pig, hippo -- I'd been called so many times. I had become what I had been told I was. Now, I knew this was a pretty sick thought, but it held on persistently. Tonight, when I stepped off the scales, my first thought was, "I'm human again."

I am deliciously, wonderfully human, and I always have been. Seeing these changes in my body and giving myself credit for the necessary work makes it easier to appreciate not just my basic humanity but all the rest of the good stuff that is me as well.

diet, weight loss, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 14

I gained weight this week, 4.2 pounds to be exact bringing my total loss so far to 31.4 pounds. I deserve evey ounce I gained. This week I had to manage holiday parties, and well, I had a good time. I didn't go hog wild despite the noticeable gain. I didn't go for seconds. My alcohol intake was modest even by my can barely remember the last time I had a drink standards. I wasn't going to pester the hostesses with questions about the ingredients of every dish. Honestly, who wants to talk about dieting at a party (other than to receive compliments about how good I look)? Quite frankly, I thought that making more of a deal about my diet than refusing seconds would have been rude. So, yeah, I deserve to gain weight this week, and I don't regret it. Living well is better than dieting well any day.

Part of making this diet work means that it has to fit into my life. I am serious about making the changes I need to make, but I refuse to let this dominate everything I do. The last of my parties is over. I'm cooking Christmas Day dinner, and everything on the menu is something that won't stress my points allowance. I just think that it's important not to let the diet interfere in my ability to enjoy life and that indulging in rich foods and not tracking what I'm eating needs to be the exception rather than the rule. I need to remember that a few nights don't have to stop my progress in its tracks, and that my way to a healthier life won't be a straight line.

I also have a backup excuse. This irritating UTI has me retaining fluid like a freaking sponge, but it is getting better. So, I'm heavier this week than last, but I'm still considerably smaller than I was when I started. So far, so good.

diets,weight loss, holidays, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 13

For the first time since I started this diet, I found myself eating out a lot. This definitely presents a few challenges. Trying to figure out the points value of restaurant food isn't the easiest thing in the world, even though I did consult the Weight Watchers Dining Out Companion for every meal. This is basically a list of menu items and their points value from dozens of restaurants. Right before weigh in tonight, I had one point left for the week, and I lost one even pound. This was a little shy of what I had hoped to lose this week. A few more ounces, and I would have hit my first big goal of going under a specific weight. However, I had a real social life this week, and I still lost weight. I'd say that counts as a good week. Total weight loss: 35.6 pounds.

diets, weight loss, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 12

When you start Weight Watchers, you and your counselor set a target goal weight. For a woman like me who has a lot to lose, that's not necessarily easy. There is a recommended weight range for different heights, but where you want to settle within that range will depend on several factors, including body frame, general shape, preferred activity level, personal comfort zone, etc. I'm so far away from that recommended range, and I'm so much older now than the last time I was anywhere near that range that we couldn't really pick a goal weight. It's also a good idea in any project to pick a realistic, achievable goal. Setting the standard too far away from where you are makes the goal feel unreachable and can actually encourage a person to just give up. After all, why should anyone attempt the impossible? It's better to work it in steps, and my initial goal was to drop 10% of my body weight.

I haven't revealed what my beginning weight was simply because it was too embarassing. I've never made any bones in writing about being really fat, but that means so many different things to different people. There are some women who say they're fat when they wear a size 5. There are others who know that they're not fat even though the number on the scale is larger than what is considered normal. I'm still not going to say what my initial weight was, but tonight when I weighed in, I had noticeably passed my initial goal. This last week, I lost 7.4 pounds, bringing my weight loss to 34.6 pounds.

It's so complicated to explain how I could let myself get this fat. There have been many factors. Some of the easy ones to explain include a back injury from a car wreck that put me in physical therapy for nearly a year and eliminated most fat burning physical activity from the realm of possibility for me. That caused nearly a 75 pound weight gain that year. I've had to take several rounds of prednisone over the years, and that will make even a tiny person inflate like a balloon. Yo-yo dieting has been a huge part of it, and that is still a large and significant fear for me. There are very few commercial diets that I haven't tried. I've lost weight on all of them and gained back more than I lost when they fell by the wayside.

Each gain made my desire to be at weight considered normal and acceptable feel more and more hopeless. I was so large that mentally I got to a point where it almost didn't matter. I was just some fat freak, and it felt like no matter what I did, I would always be that way. I can still remember when this idea started nesting in my brain. I was still a teenager and realistically, I was about twenty-five pounds overweight. I thought I was grotesque, and the brutality of other teenage girls reinforced that mindset. When I see pictures of my teen self now, I wonder how I thought I was anything other than a serious babe. I'm talking curves to kill for and defined muscles in my arms, shoulders and legs. This was nothing that would work on a runway, but it certainly explained why I kept getting hit on by older guys who I thought were just setting me up to be the butt of a joke.

I felt I either had to accept a life of deprivation and having to behave so differently about and around food from normal people that I would be a freak regardless of what I weighed or I could just be the best damn fat lady you could find. I chose the latter, and despite the shortcomings in the thought process, it was the saner of what felt like my two choices. I accepted my fat, was as physically active as I could be, dressed as well as I could which is even harder when you're large, and chose to live. I didn't let my weight restrict my social choices. I'd go to pool parties and wear swimming suits. I'd wear shorts of an appropriate length in the summer. I've known on my saner days that regardless of my weight, I was an attractive woman. On the bad days, I was still a freak who knew how to pass as normal.

Tonight, I no longer feel like a freak. When my weight passed a significant number, part of me no longer felt even really human. I had become some unknown other thing. I'm almost below that number again, but I feel very human now. Lisa has commented about how Weight Watchers helps you get back in control of something that feels uncontrollable, and she's right. I am in control now, and it feels damn good. I know from my history that I can't take this for granted. I know that I can only do this diet well if I do it one meal at a time. Even one day at a time is too much to think about, but I'm very human. I'm not a freak, and I am rightfully proud of what I've accomplished.

weight loss, diets, Weight Watchers

The weekly weigh in, week 11

I came into this diet knowing that weight was entwined with many other issues, but it still surprises me how extensive and entangled avoirdupois can be. Tuesday, when I took the womanchild to the doctor, I asked if I could step on the scales. It showed that I had actually lost a little over a pound. Considering that this came after three Thanksgiving dinners and two huge meals out, I was pleased. That same day, my diuretics prescription ran out, and today was the first day I could have it filled. Tonight when I stepped on the scales at my Weight Watchers meeting, I had gained 2.8 pounds since last week's weigh in.

No big deal. Between the holiday food and the lag in the prescription, I wasn't surprised, and this gain will be only temporary. It slays me that I'm taking this in stride, and my net loss so far is still over 28 pounds. Yes, I'm proud and happy. I love seeing and feeling the changes in my body and my energy level. I was so used to feeling bad every day that I didn't realize how bad I felt or what a difference the weight loss would make. I can only imagine how I'll feel when more pounds come off.

Despite how well I've done, I've got my fingers crossed that this can continue. My insurance, a state sponsored program for minors and those who cannot obtain insurance, is paying for the bulk of this. How about that? An insurance program is actually pro-active about improving general health not just necessity only, after the fact treatment. I'm very grateful for this. Going without insurance is a nightmare, and my weight and struggles with depression are the reasons that I have been unable to obtain other insurance. It has, of course, required a pre-approval to participate, and that pre-approved period ran out tonight.

I've been contacting the necessary people, but they're swamped and have not gotten back to me to renew the pre-authorization for me to continue. I'm just hoping that they will be able by next week's meeting. Even if they don't, I plan to continue doing this on my own. I know that decreases the chances of continued success. Despite some of the negatives I've seen in a weight loss support group, it's still very helpful. Frankly, I need the support and understanding of people who are going through the same process now. Besides helping me feel like I have some control over this body, this has reaffirmed to me that I need more contact with people in a non-professional setting. That's one lesson this introvert is still continuing to learn, and I can feel a greater sense of balance in this area of my life.
There are times when I think that placing too high a value on independence contributes to loneliness. We're taught to look up to and emulate people who did things on their own. We're taught to find our own inner resources for accomplishment. These things are important. Self-reliance is an absolutely essential skill, but it shouldn't come at the cost of losing connectedness with other people, and it shouldn't be accompanied by an inflated ego telling us how special we are because we can do things on our own.

In this one week alone, I've experienced how weight affects not only energy and stamina, but finances, independence, humility and relationships. That's a lot of stuff to hang on each spoonful of food.

diet, weight loss, Weight Watchers

The weigh in, Oct. 27

I'm proud that I'm losing weight. I really am. I'm actually enjoying the Weight Watchers program. It's easy to follow, well organized, logical, medically and nutritionally sound and allows for human nature. I'm not going hungry, I don't feel deprived, and I would recommend it for any adult dieter. However, I still hate dieting.

I hate the mental transformation I undergo when I'm dieting. Food becomes too important. Numbers become too important. I become both pleasantly and painfully obsessed. This week I couldn't stop thinking about I needed to tighten the straps on my bra and how the legs in my favorite pair of khaki slacks were getting noticeably big. I loved it. I also couldn't stop thinking about my double chin. At my thinnest and my heaviest weights, I've always had a double chin. Unless I opt for some plastic surgery, which is highly unlikely, I probably always will. Since I lose weight in my face first, I've noticed it getting smaller. That's good, but I've become consciously aware of it. I'll be going about my business, and suddenly that extra bit of flesh will get stuck in my mind, and my entire being seems focused between my neck and my face. There's a lot more to me than my chin, but those times it doesn't feel that way.

I can't stop thinking about food. It's one thing to plan your meals. I've been doing that for years, and I still don't find it an easy task. It's tedious and time consuming. However, planning out my meals ahead of time means that there's always something for breakfast in the fridge that I can just grab and eat in the car on the way to work, I have the ingredients I need for the dishes I want to prepare, and I stay within a budget. Those are some real benefits. Now though, every bit of food in the kitchen seems more important.

My first couple of weeks on the diet, all I changed was my portion control. I ate what I wanted within the recommended amounts. I did my tracking, writing down what and when I ate and making sure that I stayed within the daily recommendations. I learned what was dominating and lacking from my menu. The tracking let me see what changes I needed to make. They weren't hard. Honestly, fitting in enough healthy oil is my biggest challenge. Now though, I'm thinking about what I might miss if I don't plan for it. Just feeling like I can't be spontaneous about something as simple as a burger for lunch or a piece of chocolate on a bad afternoon makes me feel trapped. When I feel trapped, I get rebellious. On a diet, this has usually meant a binge, after which I feel like I've failed yet again, like I always have before, and thus always will, so why should I bother any way? This trap is more clever and cunning than it appears. Instead of lingering too long on a decision that should just take a moment, I open the door to the defeatist attitude which is one of the most dangerous aspects of depression.

Numbers are the big obsession. This week, I gained a little less than a pound. I expected this. A person can't lose as much weight as I did last week without the body making some accomodations. Add the hormonal cycle into the mix, and I knew that I would basically just hold my own even though I was still within the diet guidelines. Despite anticipating this and making mental preparations, it still got to me. Now, I think I've done great on this diet. My weight loss over six weeks is right over 21 pounds, which falls into the rapid loss range. I'm not shooting for rapid weight loss, although it's very common for truly large women to do this in the initial part of a diet. I want to make this work and get my weight and food intake to healthy levels that I can manage for the rest of my life. Part of me still wanted to hit a 25 pound loss though when I went to weigh. I wanted a milestone, and I'm dissapointed that I didn't get it, even though I know better. I'm a woman who's used to duality in my nature, but this is driving me nuts.

What I hate the most is feeling like my priorities are out of whack. I don't want my food, my body, my clothing and the bathroom scale to be the most important things in my life. I want to enjoy food. I want to enjoy and feel comfortable in my body. I want to care for and respect myself, but I don't want to be some superficial twit who can only think about her size and what she puts into her stomach, and that's what I feel like when I'm dieting.

So here is my challenge, to live healthily and eat consciously without letting it dominate my life. It took a long time for obesity to be recognized as an illness and not a character flaw. There are many people who still don't get that. Many people still don't recognize it as an eating disorder, but my experience tells me better than that. My mentality is warped around the same items that my daughter used to nearly eliminate herself from this planet. The curve of the warp is a bit different, but it's still the same flaw. My guilt is tremendous when I look at the pain she's experienced. I know how badly I taught her. She's doing so well, but I know that it's still a struggle, and this is one of the reasons why it's so important that I get this right.

It's difficult to explain how food is actually less important to me when I'm eating in the way that makes me fat than it is when I'm consciously trying to lose weight. However, the behaviors I use when dieting (thinking constantly about food and size) are those that are considered to lead to obesity. Irony doesn't fit well on a scientist's scale, and that may be why eating disorders are so damn hard to treat.

diets, weight loss, Weight Watchers, eating disorders

The beginning, Sept 22, 2006

A few weeks ago when the blood pressure went sky high, my doctor basically said that it was time for me to get more serious about weight loss. She knows about the gradual loss I've been working on but let me know that it was time to take it up several more levels. We discussed bariatric surgery, but to be honest, it scares me. I've known several people who've had serious recurrent problems afterwards. I know the technology has changed but still. I also know several people who regained most of their weight. I know a couple who have managed to keep their weight off, but like me, they have either a financial or medical issue that makes cosmetic surgery unlikely. (I would have to have both.) They both have so much loose skin that I honestly think they looked better fat. One agrees with me and regrets the surgery. The other has no vanity whatsoever and just enjoys feeling much lighter. That option is still on the table, but it's going to be further down the road before I really consider it.

My doctor also let me know that my insurance plan now covers Weight Watchers and pretty much told me to go. She has this nasty habit of wanting her patients to be as serious about their health as she is. Well, I wasn't thrilled. I got sent to Weight Watchers when I was ten by my parents, and it's pretty much always had a very negative connotation of restriction and separation for me. The official diet when I was a kid was an extra chore to my mother who pretty much had to cook a separate meal just for me. It made me feel even more different from the rest of the world. Back then, the Weight Watchers program required that pretty much every bite of food from a very restricted list be weighed, measured and recorded, and that was just a burden. Being a kid, I also couldn't take responsibility for what I was eating. At least in my house, you ate what you were served. You ate all of it. You didn't dare say a word if you didn't like it, and leaving the dinner table without thanking mom for preparing the meal was unheard of. We also didn't leave the table without permission, and then we had to do the dishes.

It was a bad early experience with official diets, and it has affected the way I do a lot of things. I firmly believe that kids don't need to be put on diets. It needs to be a family effort where everyone eats healthy foods and participates in some physical activity. Kids need support, and they need to learn proper food and exercise behaviors from seeing them in practice, and they don't need to be made to feel like freaks because they're overweight. They get enough of that everywhere else. Home should be a safe haven, not another place that emphasizes the differences in the world. Childhood obesity is serious, and I won't minimize its problems, but parents also have to accept that children's bodies change and go through phases. A kid who eats decent food can still go through a few chubby years, and parents don't need to over-react. Keep up a healthy menu, encourage physical activity in non-annoying ways, and let kid's bodies grow as they're supposed to. As an obese woman and the mother of a daughter who's healthily recovering from eating disorders, I know that I didn't practice this well.

My bad taste about Weight Watchers aside, I signed up last week and was seriously impressed with the changes in the program. I can break out the scales and measure ounces if I want, but I can also use common sense measurements like "would it fit in the palm of my hand." I can write down everything or not. There are a lot of choices, and here's a biggie for me. Eating fish five times a week is no longer required. I love fresh seafood, but I live hundreds of miles away from salt water, and frozen or canned fish just doesn't cut it. I haven't gone hungry, and I even had a real chocolate bar last night without breaking the diet. I do have to think about what I eat, but I was doing that anyway, just in a different way. Tonight I went to my second meeting, and I had lost seven pounds. That feels pretty good.

I can't think too much about how much I need to lose. In fact, I'm trying not to think too much about losing weight period. That's dangerous ground for me. I'll get overwhelmed. I'll get defeated or obsessive. Instead, I'm trying to think about what I enjoy that's good, nutritious and filling. Tomorrow for breakfast, I think I'll have half a bagel with cream cheese, a couple of clementines and a cappucino. I can look forward to that. I don't resent that. I don't have to worry about that. In fact, I can feel good.

weight loss, diets, Weight Watchers

Another blog, another tale

I never intended to become a diet blogger. My blog was for writing, but what I wrote about in the most egocentric fashion was myself. In September of 2006, I developed high blood pressure for the first time in my life. Since I weighed over 300 pounds and smoked, the only surprise was that I'd gone 46 years within a healthy range for blood pressure and cholesterol. My doctor told me that it was time to get serious about losing weight. I'd been working at it gently and slowly for about two years and had lost about fifty pounds.

That wasn't good enough. My health was worse than it had ever been. I found myself almost unemployable despite a good work history and a decent education. Knee surgery had left me feeling like my joints were crumbling. I knew I had to do something, but I'd already been on more diets than I could count. You name a commercial program or some crazy fad, and I'd tried it. I could track over 1000 pounds that I had lost as well as when and how I had lost them. I really thought that no diet would work for me. However, my insurance covered Weight Watchers. I joined to show that what I really needed was bariatric surgery.

Instead, I found myself really losing weight in a way that felt healthy, natural and livable at a pace that was making a real difference in my life. I started blogging about my weight loss to provide myself with some accountability and to work through some of the emotional issues around food and weight. Over eight months and 67 pounds later, I'm still at it. I've posted at least one blog entry a week since I started my diet, and I'm going to put a copy of each one of them here and carry it forward.

weight loss, diets