The weekly weigh in, year 2 week 3

Weekly summary: Weekly change, lost 5 pounds. Total weight loss, 76.6 pounds. Average weekly loss, 1.42 pounds.

I've been in a rough patch on my diet. I think it might be in part caused by hitting my anniversary. As many diets as I've been on in my life, I've never managed to last this long on one before, and I've never lost this much weight before either. Unfortunately, it's only normal for me that when things start going well, I start looking for things to go badly, and subconsciously, I look for ways to screw things up. It's taken me a helluva long time to realize that I do that, so I'm actually kind of proud that I've recognized it this soon and started doing something about it.

For the first time since I started this diet, the cravings for certain foods have kicked in. I've wanted not just pizza, but greasy pizza. The baked chips I've come to enjoy wouldn't do, and I had to have original Ruffles with canned onion dip. My onion dip is tastier and healthier than that junk, but that's what I wanted. I even had cravings for cake frosting, straight from the container. When I get to that particular craving, I know I'm in deep. The thing with Weight Watchers is that I can eat all of that stuff if I want it. The key is to keep an overall balanced diet, listen carefully to my body's hunger and thirst signals, and eat reasonable portions. But is that what I did? No, instead I just ate too much and wallowed in the guilt that I was blowing it Yet Again.

Then, my better brain kicked in again. I asked a few hard questions. Is my health where I want it? Well, no. Is the state of my body interfering in the way I want to live my life? Yes. Physical activity is still a burden and a chore. I can't really go hiking in the woods the way I want to. I have to stop and rest too often. I still get winded too fast and I still feel far weaker than I want. I'm still flat worn out in the evenings. My feet are still swelling, though not as much or as often. Has following this diet been hard? No. It's not easy to maintain a fairly tight grocery budget when you're eating good for you foods, but it can be done. I also don't like having more dishes to wash from more cooking, but I'm honestly eating better, more delicious foods than I have in my life. Haven't the results of this diet so far done more for your self-confidence than anything else that's happened in the last year (granted that this year has sucked royally otherwise)? Yes, so what's the problem?

this process involves
as much thought, emotional energy and honesty
as it does food planning and exercise

That was the kicker. The problem actually has several different aspects. The first I'd recognized. My poorly developed but growing self-esteem is not used to me thinking of myself as a success at anything, so I was pulling myself back into a comfortable pattern of failure. This has nothing to do with pounds lost, but with food and lifestyle choices. Meeting my goals means enjoying living a healthy life, and damn it, I have been and will be successful at this.

Lisa nailed part of it right on the head when she said something along the lines of my feeling like I'm betraying a group (fat people) I've advocated for most of my life. I am changing my body, and I like the results, and I still feel like all people regardless of size deserve a level playing field. Fat people don't get that, and most people don't recognize that fat bias is a heavily institutionalized prejudice. People can be healthy at many sizes and shapes, but I'm not healthy at this weight. I don't know if I'll ever be thin, but I don't want to be this fat. It's my body, my choice. (Hey, doesn't that sound vaguely like another feminist issue?) My dieting doesn't change the way I feel about people and respect, and if other voices fighting fat prejudice think that mitigates what I have to say, well, they can kiss my fat ....

Another problem is the tracking that Weight Watchers Flex Plan needs to be successful. There's nothing wrong with food journalling. It's not for everybody, but it's been a very useful tool for me though. Like most tools, if not used carefully, it can be dangerous, and I overdosed. I hate the obsession that can come with dieting. Constantly thinking about food, portion size, points, pounds, inches, exercise, my body, skin and muscle tone, water consumption and excretion has been driving me crazy. Yet, tracking is a tool I still need. I've been at this for over a year now, and I still work on proper portion size. Though I've made tremendous progress, learning my body's cues on fullness and hunger is still a journey. I needed to keep up the points tracking, but I had to back away somehow.

I've been using a WW 12 week journal. I switched to the weekly trackers that you can pick up at no additional cost at any meeting. In the weekly tracker, you can either write down everything you eat and the points or just check off the points that you consume through eating or gain through exercise. I started just checking off the points. That still felt like too much, so I got out the WW points bracelet that a friend gave me when I'd lost 20 pounds. It has a charm that can be moved around the faux pearl beads of the bracelet. Each bead is one point, and the bracelet is cutely divided with grey and black pearls to mark the five point marks and the beginning. It looks like any other costume jewelry bracelet, not a diet tool. That has definitely helped scale back the obsession but still keep track of my food.

These are just a few of the battles I have to fight to keep on with this program. There's just so much more to dieting than fewer calories in and more calories out. This process involves as much thought, emotional energy and honesty as it does food planning and exercise. The first three are really harder. I am making progress though. Today, when I stepped on the scales, I had lost another five pounds.

health and wellness, diets, Weight Watchers, weight loss, fat acceptance