Dealing with the monkey on my back

I'm really trying to tame the obsession that following a diet brings. This week, I planned my menu for the week and then basically tried to forget about it, checking the menu and fridge only when it was time to prepare meals. The food has been under control, even if I have already used most of my bonus points for the week, and weigh in waits. I don't regret indulging in barbecue on Labor Day.

I've also tried to put the body image obsessions aside. That has been harder. Much harder. Make that Much, Much Harder. The scales are still calling me far too often. To make it worse, little things that are driving me crazy. I'm in another one of those in between clothing sizes stages, where everything is either too tight or too big, and I feel sloppy again. Getting a horrible haircut recently doesn't help. Neither does finding out that both my favorite lipstick and every day eye shadow have been discontinued. Though I don't tan, my skin tones are changing (age, I guess), and my base makeup makes me look too pale, and then my blush makes me look painted. Replacing the bulk of my makeup at a time when I have to replace my wardrobe is not a pleasant idea. On top of that, all of my shoes are getting too big. I'd heard that my feet would change sizes, and that's happening now too. With my feet sliding around inside my shoes, I feel even more graceless than usual. I might as well mention that I don't like feeling like I'm superficial, high maintenance or materialistic.

People are also making it harder now, not by sabotage, but because my weight loss is all anyone wants to discuss when they're around me. This week alone, I've been asked five times how I'm losing my weight. One incident even gathered a small group in the aisle of the grocery store. (Too bad Weight Watchers doesn't pay finders' fees.) I've had one person tell me that I ought to just lay off weight loss for awhile because my face is getting too thin. Since I still have a distinct double chin and pinchable cheeks, that point is debatable. However it made me wonder if what she really meant is that I'm looking older. I've had another person tell me that I had to keep it up because my employment, my marriage or pending divorce however that works out, reputation and very life depended on my losing more weight. I've had another place all the blame for my recent bout of frequent migraines on the chemical changes caused by weight loss. Almost everyone has been kind, loving and even enthusiastic, but it's getting old. This has really made me reflect on what supportive really means in the context of friendships and diets. Complicated, complicated stuff. The kind that could make up more than one blog entry.

There is more to my life than my diet, and those other areas are where I want the emphasis. For years I've preached that character, choices and activities are more important than size. I've felt like a hypocrite though because I know how much power I've let weight, fat, and shape hold in my life. It's time I lived up to my own principles. I know I've helped create this one topic conversational emphasis. I wanted positive, supportive feedback to help me diet, and I worked to make sure that I got it. Now, I need to make sure that I get it for the rest of my life as well and make sure that I offer it to my friends as well.

obsession