Bingeing

This has been a bad food day. I don't know any other way to describe it. I've just binged. It started last night with chips and low fat frozen yogurt. One measured serving of baked potato chips turned into three, and a half cup of frozen yogurt turned into two cups. Today it continued with two 100 calorie packs of Hostess chocolate cupcakes, more yogurt and more chips. I feel gross, stuffed and slightly nauseous. My mouth tastes like salt, and I can almost see my hands and ankles swelling.

Keeping things in perspective, I've dutifully recorded everything I ate and tracked the points value of my food. I've dipped 6 points into my weekly bonus points, so it's not like I went wild. I'm still well within my guidelines for food. I got in all my fruits and veggies over the last two days, and I only need one more bottle of water to exceed my daily water recommendation. I'm just not used to eating that amount of junk food anymore, and I don't like its effects on my body.

What made this a binge was that I felt out of control. I may have measured each serving, but I kept going back for more servings, even when I quit being hungry. I was eating to distract myself and eating to minimize my feelings because they are what really felt out of control. Now, that I've reined in the binge monster, I'm still feeling all of that anxiety, fear and fatigue I didn't want to feel, but it has an additional layer of guilt on top, like the hot fudge sauce on a neurosis sundae.

For me, bingeing is a cowardly form of escape, and I don't want to be a coward. I do however get very tired of steeling myself all the time. Oh, there are times I wish I just didn't feel so much. As much as I love the depth and strength of my emotions, they can wear me out as much as they strengthen me. This is who I am though, and I neither could nor would change. I hear a distant voice in my mind now saying, "You are uniquely and wonderfully made." I could feel that small inner smile and just a little bit of peace spreading through my chest with the words. It's a small comfort, but it's still not easy being me sometimes.

compulsive eating